Gay Question and Answer Archive

I’m a straight woman with a question about a gay male friend. He and I were friends in middle and high school, and I’ve known he was gay since early in our friendship. Recently we reconnected on Facebook, and it seems he’s adopted a persona that I find odd and a little annoying. He likes to speak from a female point of view in general conversation, as in remarks like, “We girls have to stick together on this!” etc. He is not transgendered and has no plans to become a woman, as far as I know. So frankly this is turning into an irritating fiction, like a little kid who claims to have an imaginary friend and sticks his fingers in his ears when you try to tell him otherwise. So I’m just wondering – is this common? Is it some sort of trend? What’s the deal?

Sean

This is a really great question, in part because it is politically incorrect, which are my favorite kind. In the same way that white people used to think that all black people were pretty much the same, both gay and straight people have been fed a stereotype of what being gay is like. I think one of the reasons that people tend to believe that most gay men are effeminate, is that if a man is masculine people automatically assume he's straight. I didn't come out until my mid-30s, because I didn't see any gay man with whom I could identify. They were there... I just didn't know they were gay. There are some men who speak in the manner you describe, because it's natural for them to. There are a lot of other men, often the younger ones who, until they came out to show you and to belong to a group, that they change and assimilate to what ever type of gay men they surround themselves with. I admit it bugs me when men behave the way you describe. That having been said, there are a lot of gay men who resent that I have not adopted more of a stereotypical gay persona. Some of my friends who are effeminate question if I am trying to hold on to some straight acting persona. What this boils down to is that everyone has their own reasonable perspective. The one thing I think all would fundamentally agree upon is that each of us should behave in a manner that is natural and unaffected for each of us. In a lot of ways, my life is easier probably because I don't stand out as a stereotypical gay man. So if courage is a sign of masculinity, you might say that effeminate men are more masculine than I. Okay, I realize your question was a lot simpler than my philosophical answer is making it out to be. If you want to talk to your friend about this, rather than asking him why he is the way he is, which is a question that never comes off well, I would tell him that you are interested in what coming out meant for him and if this manner was something he felt before and could not express or is this a manner that he has come to feel it is more natural for him. That might be a good way to talk to them about it, without coming across judgmental.

I am particularly sensitive to this because of how offensively I handled a similar circumstance with a friend of mine. I have two friends, both of whom are well-known actors, who were, for a time on the same television show. One of them is effeminate and fits the gay stereotype, while the other is masculine and passed as straight for a long time. I was having dinner with the one friend who more closely fits the stereotype and was commenting on how impressed and proud I was of the other friend, the more masculine one, of coming out publicly and being a role model for young gay men. The friend with whom I was having dinner finally had enough of me singing the other man's praises and explained to me, so eloquently, about his own struggle in coming out that I became very disappointed in myself. Because I identify more with the masculine friend, I identified with and recognized what it meant for me, when he came out. I was so ignorant, but I had no appreciation for what the more effeminate friend went through in his coming-out process. It was no easier for the effeminate friend to fearfully anticipate his family's reaction, than it was for the more masculine friend. I am so glad that the friend I was having dinner with cared enough about me to challenge me to think about my own beliefs. I am grateful to him for causing me to see how narrow-minded I was.

I am still attracted to other masculine men sexually, in the same way I was before. But when I encounter an effeminate man or a drag queen, I no longer consider myself any more of a man than they are. If I have learned anything since coming out, it is that courage, strength and leadership comes in many forms. The behavior of effeminate men still sometimes annoys me, just as I've probably annoyed a lot of different people. But there is nothing more impressive or important than the strength of character to be who you are. I'm a lot more careful about what I say, not because of what other people are going to think of me for it, but because I want to behave honorably and I want to give everyone the same fundamental acceptance and respect that I ask of others.

In summary, I would say show your friend the respect of not being afraid to ask him these questions. When I get the impression that somebody genuinely wants to understand something about me, I'm flattered. Yet, when I sense that underneath their asking me why I am a particular way is an established conclusion that I should be a different way, I resent the question. So if you just want to let your friend know that you don't like the way he behaves, then you're probably not the kind of friend he wants to have. But if you truly want to get to know him better, then I'd say he's lucky to have you as a friend.

I hope this helps and please let us know what happens.

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