Gay Question and Answer Archive

This is a question that may be seem boring and insulting for me to ask and I do sincerely hope not. I have a massive problem and I don’t know where to turn! I have married the love of my life and the father of my 2 year old daughter. We have been together since 2002 but broke up for a long time – he wasn’t sexually interested in me. After 5 years apart, and our friendship still strong and contact still regular, we drifted back together. We found some romance and my daughter was conceived. We married when she was 9 months old at our dream wedding in Thailand on a beach with all our family and friends. Since our wedding – 7 months ago we have had sex once. He is not interested at all. During my 5 year break I was happy to explore (both with men and women) and get confirmation that I am not an unattractive or unsexy person. On the other hand he has no attraction to me at all. A woman just knows. When we do have sex (once in seven months…) it is really not great at all, like I should be happy to just be in the presence of an erection. My pleasure is not on the radar and it is over quickly or just fades out. The sex thing is one thing that I have known for a long time and while it comes as no surprise that he has no sexual interest in me, I am increasingly thinking that the cause might be in fact he is gay. Once, years ago, I asked him about this. He didn’t get angry but he did say that during our break apart he had tried it to see if that was what it was, but he decided it wasn’t. This episode hasn’t been mentioned since. When we are alone, he becomes increasingly effeminate…this sounds so horribly stereotypical and please forgive me but the man not long ago came out into the lounge room wearing knee high socks and his underwear and dancing – a great display and I did enjoy his happiness…but when I suggested it was my turn to pop on knee highs and undies he shuddered and said, “oh no, sweetheart”. (I must stipulate I am tall, blonde , size 8 – 10….not charlize theron but not hideous I don’t think….) The other night he started imitating female dancers again. Oh dear, I have just remembered when we first got together I walked in home and he was wearing my clothes – my jeans and my knee high boots. At the time I laughed thinking he was just being funny. But now none of this seems that funny any more. I am sad. I am sad because if he is gay, then he should be able to be happy and be who he is – not hiding away and being ‘married’ to someone he doesn’t fine attractive. I am sad because if he is gay then our lives will have to go separate ways. I am getting ahead of myself, but I guess my question is, would you prefer your straight partner to talk to you about their suspicions – how can you or should you coerce someone out of the closet? Is there a way I can help him to discover this without me breaking each others’ hearts in the mean time. If this happens slowly and delicately, maybe we can both be happy. This is assuming of course that the wife’s suspicions are correct! I apologise for my rant and I hope you forgive me. All I want is happiness for my lovely, beautiful man (and a little for myself too!)


  1. Tasha Mar 9, 2015 at 20:07

    I would suggest, as you said, doing it slowly and delicately. Before any action is taken, you should think long and hard about what you want to say. Think about what you would say in your head and try to perceive it from your husband’s perspective whether he is gay, straight, or transsexual. The reason why I mention transsexual is, he may be. If you don’t know, transsexuality is when someone does not identify with their given gender at birth. For example, a male may identify as a female. That’s what I’m getting out of what you have shared. Now, I don’t know your husband as well as I do. He might just be a very feminine straight man. If you want to stay in his life, make sure he understands that. If you are willing to support him regardless of what sexual orientation or gender identity he is, make sure he knows. Over anything else, you should remember that your happiness matters as well. It sounds like you really love your husband, but don’t forget that your happiness is important as well.


  2. Tasha Mar 9, 2015 at 20:08

    Correction to my previous comment: I don’t know your husband as well as you do.

    I apologize for my typo. 🙂


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