Gay Question and Answer Archive

Hi, I am a straight woman in my twenty’s. About four and a half years ago, I started dating an older freind of mine, we live together and are engaged now. He’s a dream, my best freind, lover, everything, and he means the world to me.  That said, I found him posting on craigslist for men, looking for a bottom and oral sex. I was in shock. I also found that he had recently been prowling the women for men section, although he does that (and the women for women) cause he is and has been convinced I would have a blast with another girl. Which is fine, I tried it, wasn’t bad, but I am straight, no questions on it! But if prowling indulges his fantasy, I figured it beat strip clubs.  However, after seeing that he was not just prowling, but posting, I looked in his email. He has not only responses saved to his adds, but emails coordinating times to meet, exchanging pics, specific details, ect, going back two years with three different men. I was ah, floored. Both because he vehemently expresses great disgust about other men, has a strict no guys rule on potential threesomes, ect. And also because this isn’t something that happened once a few years ago, or just popped up, but years!  What do I do? I have to know, I don’t mind if he is bi, or even gay, I love our life together and we can make it work regardless, and I can both understand and forgive the hiding it/lying about it in the past, but not going forward. I don’t need full disclosure or anything, but no more “I’m going to my grandbabies b-day party” crap, only not, that I can’t do. I could cope better with hey, I have a date with don! I guess what I mean is, you are what you are, and I am not a guy, and if he enjoys that, fine, but lying to me about it, I’m not ok with that. I’m just not. I did ask him about the posts on craigslist. He said his account was hacked, and then tried to get me to drop it. Ok, so I did. But I wrote him an email explaining that I read the emails he had sent and received, that I was aware how long this had been going on, and that his hacker either got his email too (and looks suspiciously like my fiance) or I was being left in the dark. I was specific in explaining that I loved him regardless, and held no judgement about it, I just want to know where I fit in all this and that to some degree he won’t lie to me about what he is doing on the side. I told him we could work through this, make arrangements to accommodate his needs that I can’t fill, but that I couldn’t do the lying. I tried not to be accusatory, just supportive and hey, I know, so please, don’t shut me out and lets talk on it. Was I or am I wrong in this? Do I need to know? I guess I have to, I can’t unknow what I read.

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