General Question and Answer Archive

I am 14 and I want to come out. Although I live in a rural town of 10,000 and will probably get teased because of being gay (as with most rural towns). Just wondering what I should do.

Val

Thanks for the question and welcome to the out world! T hough something tells me you're already out to a certain extent. You are a brave young person to so fully feel comfortable with yourself and your sexuality. You are who you are and you know it. You are so much more ahead than a lot of people, including straights, so kudos to you. I think for a lot of us who have come out, it really wasn't a surprise to the people around us. So this just may be a matter of semantics.

Sean


We are very curious as to what part of the country you live in. Congratulations on having the courage to accept who you are at age fourteen, particularly as you describe your environment as likely less accepting that larger cities, though even in the big cities fear and bigotry toward gay people still exists. The first step is to decide how you will address this with your family. Do they already know and how are they responding to you? Do you know any gay people to serve as personal role models and sounding boards? If not, you are fortunate in this day and age to be able to reach out and get support over the Internet, regardless of your location. WIthout knowing more details about your circumstances, I would suggest that you take some time to prepare yourself for dealing with people, some mean spirited, others perhaps well-intentioned, that will try and talk you out of accepting who you are. People may suggest it is a phase, or that you are too young to know this about yourself. You know who you are so don't let anybody get inside your head. The best response is to remain firm and work out how you will respond to people. If people do tease you or harass you, don't tolerate it. It would be a good idea to find a few people in your area you can turn to for guidance and support if things come up. I tend to suggest being careful of religious organizations because they tend to have their own agendas where gay and lesbian issues and people are concerned. If you have counselors at school who are modern thinkers and honestly supportive of you, they can be good people to turn to from time to time. Do you have anybody you can think of already? Do you have older siblings who support and stand up for you? As you set on this course to come out and live a happy and honest life, please feel free to email us and we will help you find resources and offer you whatever moral support we can. You have every right to live a good and complete life, free from harassment. Never doubt that. If you face anything even remotely threatening, turn to supportive authority figures for help. Don't be afraid to insist that you be treated fairly and don't allow anybody to intimidate you without seeking help. Please keep in touch with us!

Justin

You are a very impressive teen. You display a level of foresight, thoughtfulness, and self-awareness that belies your tender age. It’s simply brilliant of you to think of seeking the counsel of people who have already been through the rite of passage known as “coming out of the closet” before you undergo it. I congratulate you on your many fine qualities.

Because you are not an adult, but a teenager, your safety and emotional well-being are my primary concerns. I would never dream of babying you or speaking down to you, but it is incumbent upon me to bear in mind that you are extremely youthful. It’s hard to realize it when you are as youthful as you are, but being youthful is a great gift. Believe me, the many benefits of youth end far too soon. Try to appreciate them now even though it’s we adults who are always advising you to do so.

I know nothing about the town in which you live, the school you attend, who your parents are, or who you are except for your age and sexual orientation. Consequently, it is impossible for me to know how you and the people in your social universe will react to your coming out of the closet. You are very courageous to contemplate coming out of the closet at your age. Coming out of the closet is an important milestone in the life of a gay person. I understand you want to reach that milestone sooner rather than later. As advanced as you are for your age, you probably feel a sense of obligation to come out of the closet and start living in your truth. I would stress, however, that the concept of living in your truth never requires you to reveal the truth of who you are to anyone who might harm. If revealing your truth would expose you to harm, you have in no way failed on any level if you opt to conceal it.

I am heartbroken by the recent rash of news reports about gay teens who have been bullied to the point of committing suicide. This trend is a terrible one. It’s difficult to believe that it is going on in 2010, but it is. We cannot close our eyes to it.

I suggest that you first consult with a school counselor. They are professionals trained to deal with the issues any teen might face. More and more teens are coming out of the closet. Your counselor may not have any specific experience in dealing with a gay teen coming out of the closet at your school, but he should be aware of the possibility. Let your counselor know that you are a gay teen who is contemplating coming out of the closet. He is in a better position than I am to gage what your classmates’ reaction might be. If your counselor lacks adequate familiarity with the issues gay teens face at school, ask him if your school district employs another professional who does have the training and experience necessary to properly counsel you on this sensitive matter. If your school district employs no one with the training and experience required to proficiently counsel you, ask your counselor to research organizations in your area that could provide that service. You live in a town of 10,000 people. It is large enough that you can be assured other gay people live there, and it is quite possible that they have established a nearby organization that can meet the needs of gay teens like you. Ask your counselor if he is familiar with the perils gay teens can often face in the form of peer bullying. Ask him if he is familiar with the recent news accounts of an 18-year-old Rutgers University freshman by the name of Tyler Clementi, who committed suicide after he was allegedly a victim of an extremely despicable form of bullying by his fellow students. If your counselor isn’t familiar with that case, he can search for news accounts of it on the internet. They won’t be hard to find, and they should lead him to additional recent news accounts of gay teens who have been mercilessly bullied by their peers. Feel free to download a copy of this response to your question and take it with you to your appointment with your counselor, or refer him directly to our website. Work with your counselor to determine what policies your school has in place to protect the safety of gay students on campus. If your school lacks adequate safeguards, consider delaying your coming out of the closet until adequate safeguards have been put in place by school officials. It’s possible that your school counselor or other professional to whom he refers you will advise you to first come out to your family instead of your classmates. You should know, however, that as a gay teen, you are mandated to attend school; and while you are under the supervision of school officials, they are legally and morally obligated to ensure your safety. Your school’s policy on bullying should be one of zero tolerance for it. My best guess is that the officials at your school will earnestly show the appropriate degree of non-judgmental compassion and respect for the issue you and, most likely, other teens at your school are facing as they contemplate the crucial step of coming out of the closet. I would honestly be surprised if they didn’t. Again, I urge you to start your journey by speaking with a school counselor.

It was an honor to receive your question. Please keep us at AskAGayPerson.com posted as your journey out of the closet progresses. Do not hesitate to contact us with any further concerns you have. School can be a lonely place for a gay teen, but you will not be in school forever. You have our admiration and support. You are not alone.

I wish you fair winds and following seas.

 

Follow Up Question:
I’m 14 and I recently posted a question on here about coming out. I want to tell my best friend and I’m sure she’ll accept me. I’m just wondering whether I should tell her now or wait until next when school starts up again but I’m pretty sure she won’t tell anybody. Can you give me some advice.

Val

I say tell her now. It's wonderful that you potentially have an ally in your best friend. You two may want to consider starting a Gay Straight Alliance at your school, or an anti bullying forum. I'm sure a teacher would be willing to be your adviser on something like this. I also believe there may be other youths in your area who feel as you do. You certainly are not alone. www.gsanetwork.org is an excellent site with really good information. The more knowledge you gain, the more you will empower yourself, including building your self-esteem, and the less likely you will feel put down by any haters or bigots.

Justin

It is clear that you are still grappling with your decision to come out of the closet at school. You have chosen not to come out yet, and I support you wholeheartedly in your decision to remain in the closet for the time being. You are under no obligation to come out before you are ready. Your safety and emotional well-being are of paramount concern. The only way to keep the truth about your sexual orientation a secret is to not tell anyone about it. Young people often times have trouble realizing this very simple truth, but you have actually been living it despite being so very young. The reason nobody at your school currently knows that you are gay is because you have not told anyone that you are gay. Once you tell someone else the truth of your sexual orientation, the secrecy of that truth can no longer be guaranteed. You can trust yourself to keep your secret, but you cannot trust anyone else. The last person on God’s green Earth to whom you should ever reveal a deeply help secret is another teenager - especially one who attends the same school as you do. Your best friend could be the smartest, kindest, and most trustworthy 14-year-old girl in the world; but she is still only 14-years-old. It is completely unrealistic to trust any 14-year-old to keep your secret. It’s also unfair to ask your 14-year-old best friend to keep such a weighty secret because it is too big of a burden for her to have to carry. She still has a great deal to learn about the responsibilities of friendship, and she must be allowed to make mistakes inherent to her youth. You must assume that she would be unable to keep your secret for long; and because she attends your school, the people to whom she would most likely reveal your secret are your fellow classmates. If you feel that you must tell someone the truth about your sexual orientation before you are fully prepared to handle the consequences of coming out of the closet, tell a school counselor, a teacher, or other adult whom you trust. As a last resort only, consider telling another teenager who has no connection to your school or community. If you don’t know such a person, ask a school counselor or teacher for the phone number to a “teen hotline” you can call on an anonymous basis. Teen hotlines are not just for straight teens; gay teens can call them too. You might also try typing the words “gay teen services” and the name of your city (or a large city near you) into your favorite search engine. The names of organizations that provide services for gay teens should pop up. Check out their websites for information on how to contact them. Call or write to them. Ask them if they provide services that could help you deal with what you are facing. If they don’t specifically provide services that could help you, ask them to refer you to an organization that does. I do not know where you live, but I did some research of my own for you by using the internet. I discovered that the L.A. Gay and Lesbian Center in Los Angeles, California operates a facility called the Jeff Griffith Youth Center, which provides counseling and social services. The phone number to the Jeff Griffith Youth Center is 323-860-2280. I suggest that you call that number. You do not have to give your name. Inform whoever answers the phone that you are a gay teen dealing with the issue of coming out at your school. If you don’t live in or near Los Angeles, ask the person who answers the phone if he can refer you to an organization close to where you do live that provides counseling and social services to teens in your local area. I think you’ll find that whoever answers the phone when you call will be very caring and helpful. It has been a pleasure and an honor to be of service to you, and I wish you fair winds and following seas.

Kelly

I agree with Justin that people can't keep secrets. Like how you feel you can trust your best friend I am sure she has someone she feels she can totally trust and so on and so forth. But this doesn't mean you shouldn't tell her - just know you're secret may not be safe anymore. Follow your gut - you said you are from a small town - while it's important to live a life being your true self unfortunately we are still not in a time where we can always do so openly. Your safety is first and foremost. I wish you all the happiness in the world, you deserve it. You are a strong young man and always remember, love is never wrong!

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