Subject: Bisexual

Question:

its going to get a bit personal here but i’m a bisexual teen girl who’s just had her first relationship with another girl and only a number of my friends who i trust know. our relationship was harder to deal with than i thought mostly because she changed schools the year before so we barely met and also because of my trust issues and anxiety. i wasn’t planning on coming out any time soon and everyone who knew knew that and because i trusted them, i thought they respected my decision. i was so scared of letting anyone else know because of our country’s religion and homophobia and stuff.  while i was on a school trip abroad, the night i was packing since it was the last day, i called my best friend, and she started talking to me about how i stressed and depressed about my relationship and how i should go into therapy. i refused because once again, homophobia. i told her countless times i,m not ready to come out, i cant deal with it right now and that its going to ruin my family if i do, and she told me she would help my overcome my depression and help me get stronger. she just continued on and on with the same bullshit and when she finished i said thanks and put my phone down because i was just so tired and had to finish packing. by that time it was 12 am and i had to leave the building at around 2 am to the airport. messages kept coming nonstop to my phone and i got so annoyed so i just switched off my notifications and went on packing.

when i was more than halfway done i stopped packing and opened her chat and when i saw what she had texted i thought i was actually going to have a heart attack. “i told your mom”. she said. she actually told my mom. she betrayed me. i trusted her so much. she was the only person who i ever thought i could open up to. she knew i was too weak to handle something like this. she knew my mom wouldn’t accept it. she knew it would tear my family apart. she broke me. i had three panic attacks  coming at me nonstop after i read it and it was the worst feeling ever. i was so mad and upset. my mind just couldn’t process it. i couldn’t believe her out of everyone would do it. my initial thought was to jump out of the window in front of me and end it all just like that so i wouldn’t have to face my parents and their disappointment. i will never be over this and i don’t think i can ever forgive her.

i was so upset i spaced out for an hour just contemplating all the possibilities of whether i should kill myself or just go back home and face my biggest fear. i hadn’t slept for more than 24 hours and my bmp was continuously rising with my stress. an issue i suffer from because of anxiety which makes me lightheaded and breathless. i have to take medication daily to make sure my bmp is stable and that situation was probably the worst. i am a forgiving and reasonable person but this situation just ripped me apart. iv’e never been so mad at anyone like this before, neither have i had to face one like this. i don’t want to see her again. not after what she did. she broke me so badly. iv’e never felt this was, its so much harder than i thought. does she see me as a joke to play with my life like this? this just changed my entire life and i have to live with this burden on me forever. i cant believe this day actually came it feels so unreal. she will never understand what she did to me. how could she suddenly force something like this on me. we both knew my situation and i trusted her.

all this happened at dawn yesterday. from where i live its almost afternoon now. on my bus ride to the airport i spend all of my time texting her, still so shaken and mad. every time i thought about it, it felt like the first time. she kept telling me she did it to help me and she didn’t mean to hurt me. that she thought is my mom knew it would make things better. but this is the biggest betrayal i have gone through so far in life. i lost all my trust for her. i’m home now and my mom hasn’t said anything about it yet, but she did ask me if my best friend had called or anything. i lied to her saying she called my at the start of my trip only twice and that we never texted cause i didn’t have time. which is true since that night was the only night i was able to actually have contact with anyone after the busy schedules. so as far as she knows, she doesn’t know i know my best friend told me about this whole situation. its something my best friend mentioned. that my mom told her to not tell me she knows about this. i couldn’t even sleep on the flight just thinking about the situation she got me in. this is unbelievable. i still cant believe she actually did this to me. if i knew she was the type of person to do somthing like this, i would’ve never told her anything. she doesnt understand how badly she hurt me. i wish i never talked to her. she just made my life so much worse. even worse that she told my mom i liked a girl. it doesn’t matter that she didn’t tell my mom we’re dating. just by telling my mom i liked her was unnecessary. she shouldn’t have dragged my girlfriend into this. she shouldn’t have done this to the both of us. she literally could’ve just stopped at the part where i like girls. i seriously don’t know what to do. i don’t want to got through this. this is bad for me. its ruining me. i need answers. the best solution for me is to break up. its going to do both of us good. i don’t want to burden her either. i should let go of her before she get hurts too. i feel like my entire life is tearing apart. how could she do this to me. i told her this is the one thing i didn’t want to happen and she does it. i don’t think i can trust anyone after this. to me, after all that’s happened, it feels like my life just stopped. please give me advice, i’m  so confused and don’t know what to do. i cant handle this. i would be so grateful if you took some time to please give me some advice on what i can do in this situation. thank you.