Sean

I appreciate how profound a situation this is for you. Without knowing your Fiancee-in-abeyance, I can only base my thoughts on the many people I have known in both your situations and give you some general thoughts. I dated women until I was thirty-five and came close to getting married twice, but there was always this "secret" I had about my sexual attraction to men. I don't believe that a person wouldn't know exactly what his desires are. As to the often asked question about a person not knowing if they are gay or bisexual until late in life, there is more to it. Men can be uncertain about how their sexual desires relate to where they fit into the world. There are so many degrees and nuances about our sexuality that the idea of being fit into one of three categories, gay, straight or bisexual can be the point of confusion. In my case, I knew that I had sexual attractions to men, but I never knew an out gay man with whom I could identify, culturally. In part that is because the men who are most easily identified as gay have stereotypical gay or even effeminate characteristics. A man who is seen as masculine is usually assumed to be straight. I fell into that category. Even since I became open about my sexuality, straight people, both men and women, often express confusion over my sexuality. Comments such as "You don't act gay at all," or "But you have had girlfriends," or "But you're not like other gay men," all bely a widespread ignorance about what being gay is. That ignorance is not limited to straight people. When I was younger, my own confusion was not about my sexual attraction to other men, but it was about "being 'gay'." Until I met my best friend on AOL, in 1996, I had never met a gay man, with whom I could identify. He was just like the guys I grew up with. In fact, we grew up with about 40 mutual friends and it was bizarre that we had never met before, as we traveled around the same people and had even lived in the same apartment building at the same time, just a few years before we did meet.

My whole point is that your man may not see himself as fitting in as a gay person, because he does not related to the stereotype. As you explain, he may be petrified about other people putting him into a category of people, who have behavioral patterns or mannerisms that make him uncomfortable. When I was younger, I did too. Because I am masculine and was a respectable citizen, I felt I was superior to stereotypical effeminate men and the idea of people thinking I was like they were, left me fearful. In many cases that is why men, who despite their own sexual attraction to other men, can be so malicious in their comments about gays. And this can really mess up a person's self-image, his ability to form and maintain healthy relationships and can lead to all kinds of physiological damage. Once I decided that I was going to live my life as a gay man, out in the open, it still took me a while to realize how bigoted I was toward effeminate men, whom I considered to be weak or "sissies." In our American society, which is still the most pluralist society there is, the idea of being thought of as gay, can cause us to be extremely self-destructive in how we react to that prospect. It is worth noting that when most generally open minded people find out that a guy has had sex with another guy, their reaction is far less significant that if they learn that somebody is "gay." You should step back and think about this for a moment. It is not the sexual act that freaks people out as much as it is simply being identified as "gay." An interesting example of this is the much talked about "Don't ask, don't tell" policy that was put into place when President Clinton chickened out and broke the promise that his first official act would be to repeal the ban on gays serving in the military, because Senator Sam Nunn barked at him. The Uniform Code of Military Justice does not require that a service member be separated from his or her branch of military service for engaging in a same-sex act; but it does require separation if the service member is determined to be a homosexual. There is no substantive legal standard for finding that a person is homosexual, for the purposes of the UCMJ. In other words, if a service member admits to having had sex with another person of the same gender, he or she can face a wide variety of possible repercussions, not necessarily resulting in being kicked out of the military. If, however, a service member asserts that he or she is a homosexual, he or she can be separated from the service, for being gay, without any specific allegation of a sexual act. How bizarre a reality is that.

This has all been a very long prologue to answering your question, because you should understand that the very idea of being gay can affect a person and those around him, so disproportionally to the reality of the situation. As in your case, your fiance-in-abeyance could admit to having had oral sex with men on more than one occasion, but freaks out at the idea that somebody will think he is gay. So here is how the situation looks from my limited perspective.

This first issue is that your man, has gone out and had experiences, so the "curiosity" issue is over with. He now knows what it is like and how having sex with another man makes him feel. The point is that now that he knows, he still wants to marry you. It's not like he has a dangerous uncertainty that may blow up like a time bomb at some point in the future when his curiosity gets the better of him and he finally tries something. In your case, he already has, so his decisions are now better informed and, thus, more reliable.

The issue you have with him is the fact that he has problems telling you the truth. My suggestion is that you strongly consider this questions... "Did my man lie about this situation, or is the situation that my man is a liar?" If he lied about his sexual history because he was overwhelmed by the consequences of telling the truth, which are very real, then you may very likely be able to deal with the core issue about his sexuality questions and get through that. If, however, your man is a liar, well that is a lot more serious and really isn't about his sexuality, but his character. If he lies easily and without appreciating how wrong it is, then that is a HUGE problem. If he is honest about other things, yet lied as his way of handling worries about how people might react to sexual issues, then that does make him a liar. He knows what his options are and he wants to marry you. That is significant.

As to your concern about him being unfaithful in your marriage, the question should not be "Will he have sex with a man after we are married," it should be "Will he have sex with any other person, after we are married." Say, for instance, that you found out that he had an attraction to very tall Asian women and you are not a tall Asian woman. Would you worry that after you got married, he would not be able to be satisfied with you and would be unable to resist the idea of having sex with tall Asian women? Before you found out about his past experiences with men, did you question whether he would be faithful to you, if attracted to other women?"

As to some of the particularly implausible excuses he gave you when you caught him watching gay porn, keep in mind that being caught over that can be devastatingly threatening on such a visceral level that he may have come up with some very lame excuses. It should be a good thing if he is a bad liar and comes up with stupid excuses, rather than polished ones. It may mean that he is not a skilled liar, for lack of practice.

If you do want to marry him, I think you'd be a fool to just walk away, rather than work on finding out if he will be faithful and happy with you, to the exclusion of all others. It will take patience to get through his defenses, as it is going to be very very hard for him to talk about his feelings, as the subject is so threatening. He may, in fact, be a horny guy who likes masturbating to porn, when he needs to relieve himself. There is virtually noting more normal than that for any man.

For men, sex can be simply a physical sport on one occasion and be lovemaking on another occasion. Most women don't understand this. Most people would be shocked at the number of "straight" men who have had sex with other men, when the circumstances presented themselves. Men are sexual animals and I refer to sex as gay men's golf. It can be a pastime. You need to find out if your man took advantage of the opportunities he had, of if he is drawn to sex with men.

If you believe he loves you more than any other person and that he does want to marry you, particularly after he has found out what sex with men is like, then you need to have a hart to hart understanding with him before you give up on your future together. He needs to know that what you are trying to figure out is simply if he and you can make a life together and that what he has done prior to whatever commitment of monogamy you made to each other isn't something that is not a factor. To make that discussion work you have to keep your eye on the ball and make sure he does not feel like you are judging what kind of man he is, based on whatever attractions he has had. Unless you were each supposed to be virgins on your wedding night, then the only issue should be if you will be faithful to your marriage vows.

I hope you will write back after reading this and I hope that is has helped you with some additional points of understanding about what your man's life has been like. I'd be happy to assist you and him in any way.

Justin

I am so sorry that someone with such a loving, generous, and open heart and mind is experiencing so much pain. You have my complete empathy. My best wishes for a complete healing are with you.

There are many issues facing you, and they are understandably quite confusing.

Your boyfriend is clearly grappling with some sort of sexual issue. It is unclear to him, you, me, and everyone else whether it is an issue about his sexual orientation or porn addiction. Either way, it is a serious issue. He is no way near having reached a complete understanding or resolution to it. It's very telling that this issue reached its crescendo in correlation with his commitment to you as a fiance. This issue cannot be brushed aside lightly. It is not time for even thinking of a wedding that would solidify a lifetime commitment. Your fiance's struggle with these issues are not character or relationship weaknesses in and of themselves, however. They are not wrong or immoral. They are are simply issues to which any human male could be susceptible. And yes, I do think it is possible for straight men to be horny enough to detach himself emotionally and have just "release sex" with another guy without being gay. Look at what happens in prison. Gay sex occurs for a myriad of tortured, convoluted, psycho-sexual reasons; but the vast majority of the male prison population is not gay. Only about 10% is just as it is in the non-prison population.

Where his character flaws and the betrayal of your relationship due to poor interpersonal relationship skills come into play are the other areas of your concern. Seeking sex online -or in any other venue for that matter - with someone other than his fiance is a complete emotional betrayal. It's cheating pure and simple. It involved complicated secrecy and deceit. Nothing about this behavior is laudable or even acceptable. Your ex-fiance is also devoid of the communication skills required for an enduring marriage. I'm sorry to say; but from what you have written, your boyfriend lies. He is a calculated L-I-A-R sophisticated enough to take elaborate steps to cover his tracks. At least he is not a sociopath, for his actions do tell you loudly that he knows what he did was W-R-O-N-G. He is NOT marriage material, however. Don't go anywhere near an alter with him. A marriage must be built on open communication and trust. Without it, your marriage is doomed; and you will be even more unhappy than you are today. You are in terrible pain, and I am deeply sorry. Please do, however, try to see the things for which you can be grateful. The biggest one, of course, is that you learned of his deeply engrained proclivity for deceit and betrayal and absolute inability to communicate openly before you actually married him. Hallelujah!

You boyfriend is not evil. He is not a bad person. He is simply NOT marriage material. He has some flagrant character defects that are his problem to deal with. He will have to strive diligently to improve; and improvement will not come overnight despite his silly, meaningless assertions otherwise.

God bless you for knowing of the power of forgiveness. I'm convinced you must forgive him. I'm also convinced that your forgiveness will have the greatest benefit for YOU, not him. We, in fact, forgive for our own well- being, not the well-being of others. I am the gay person you asked, and it is my personal conviction that humans are incapable of doing anything that is unforgivable. All is forgivable.

Forgiveness, however, must not be confused with FORGETFULNESS. Remember the truth of what has occurred in your relationship with this young man. It is true that his behavior was both wrong and hurtful. This behavior of his is deeply engrained. He CANNOT correct it overnight. He sounds very cunning in his deceit. Do not fall for his absurd protestations that he has changed. Women are acculturated in our society to believe that they can change men. I'm here to tell you that YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM. People rarely change. Do not waste time waiting for him to change. Move on.

Forgiveness, moreover, does not absolve one of his misdeeds. In life, there are consequences for every action. Your boyfriend is responsible for his deceitful and hurtful actions, and the rightful consequence of those actions is that you cannot commit yourself to him in marriage. Requiring him to face the consequences for his actions is not mean; it is loving and divine. It is the rightful course of events for him to have to face the consequences of his actions. Saving him from that step will only impede his path to self-improvement and cause him greater pain down the road. You would not be doing him any favors by saving him from this painful step.

Forgiveness, moreover, involves an acknowledgement of one's errors, contriteness for them, and a committed resolve not to repeat them. I am not satisfied from what you have written that your boyfriend has adequately worked his way through these essential steps. Just more reasons why I firmly believe you should not invest any further in the nurturing of this particular relationship.

You can still love your ex-fiance. You cannot marry him. Doing so would be self-destructive.

I know that you will love again. You deserve love. I wish you love.

Peace.