I’m a straight guy who is in love with a bisexual guy, but I don’t see myself with any other guy nor find any other man attractive. Only him.

It is a little long, hope you bear with me. The conclusion is that, now, I am a 20 year old straight guy who is in love with a bisexual guy, but I don’t see myself with any other man, I don’t find other guys attractive nor imagine myself with them nor want to spend any quality time with them. Only him. I have known him ever since we were kids, got to know him more a bit when we were in middle school. We weren’t specifically close. He was in another school but we both played the same sport and usually saw each other in the sports events. Sometimes we would run into each other outside the court. But whenever we did, we’d start insulting each other. Nothing big, but we sort of hated each others’ guts, and neither of us would pass a chance to tease the other. Truth be told, I respected him and admired his skills highly.

It was nothing that got to my head til I noticed something. I remember word by word every little argument we’ve had, I think of him before I sleep, and I find him very handsome (which is a known fact to people around him). He is a very masculine man like me and we share the same likes about sports, which was our starting point to actually know each other. He is the kind of guy who lots of guys and girls want, I have seen proof of it. But he usually rejects most of them and doesn’t get into any serious relationships. It gained him a reputation of a player, but I know better. I only noticed that something was odd when I started noticing things like his skin, how he moves his neck sometimes, or how his body flexes when he jumps for a dunk, and even one time I got distracted in the middle of the game, and then I started having dreams about him. It wasn’t exactly sexual, but it was enough to make me doubt.

I had no problems if it turns out that I was bi or gay, but the problem is that whenever I’m in the changing room of my team, I see lots of well-built guys, and I feel… nothing. Completely nothing. I tried to search around, but I found myself unable to really appreciate guys’ bodies or anything related to it. I was still responding only to girls’ forms, but even that didn’t feel very exciting as I have heard from people. But guys? Couldn’t feel anything. So I brushed it off as teenage curiosity which was only to one guy. In high school, I got to know him a little better, although we still were at each others’ throat. He was attractive and very smart and charming, but behind all that, I knew he had troubles and was faking all these smiles he put up socially. I wanted to know more about him, but I couldn’t figure how would I explain suddenly turning my rival into a friend to him or so I let the matter hang.

I had the misfortune to move with my family out of the city during the last year of high school. In my time away, I always thought of him. True it was out of frustration and I ended up calling him all sort of ridiculous names in my head, but I was still confused on why he’s always in my mind, and I still had these scattered dreams about him. It made me also think about incidences we had back then before I moved. I saw him staring at me before, and when I caught his eyes, he acted like if I wasn’t there. And other times, I found myself annoying him and just finding any excuse to talk more to him or get him to react, frustrating him, and I even teased him once about that maybe he always pop up where I am because he likes me, and he just frowned and told me to shut up, almost shyly. I was around him enough to know that he gets frustrated and frowns when he’s embarrassed.

I wished I could contact him, but I didn’t know how. I usually just asked my teammates back in my country how he is doing, but what they tell was almost nothing since they don’t know him much. When I got back, I heard he tried to contact me while I was away, but somehow refused to take my phone number after one of my previous teammates finally gave it to him. Apparently when he saw the paper with the number on it, he didn’t look, he just bolted away. I then knew that he studies in the same city I went to college to, but I couldn’t find him. Luckily, we met by coincidence in our hometown one day. Since then, we started meeting for basketball one-on-ones, which got extended for catching food after the exercise, to small talks. He calls dull and boring but we still have all sort of interesting conversations. I figured it was his way, always calling everything stupid to cover up for his admiration? He is very confident and very arrogant guy, but there are times he is almost shy, so he gets frustrated and starts yelling or getting angry. I usually am the silent kind of guy who intimidates people with staring with no response. So even he was shocked at the amount of talking I do with him. But I just do this with him. Hardly I found anyone who understands what I say before. I have been with girls, but nothing very serious, and they all… I don’t know, but I couldn’t find them understanding what I am saying. Same goes for my friends(guys), they don’t share same interests with me or same ideals. But he does. Even our favorite teams, books, rock bands, movies, all the same. So we weren’t rivals anymore, but.. sort of friends. I learned more about him and I found myself unable to hold back the confusion anymore. There were some things he did that I started thinking they might be signs that he might like me. He sounds very worried when something goes wrong with me. And I know it’s a big deal for him, because he finds it hard to show his feelings and is very secretive of them. He has had troubles in his life, many of them, which made him unable to trust people easily. He started smiling more in my presence and openly laughing, which something he rarely does. He cancels most of his arrangements if I called him to help me with something. We started calling each other at odd timings..like 3 am and ask one another to maybe borrow that book or to meet up at the court for a game or ask any random question. I was never sure who started the call by the time I hung up. And to top that all.. I knew that he stopped his flings with people the moment I got back in town? At least that’s what I knew from someone.

Then.. one time after one of our basketball games, we were sitting there and we were just idly talking, and he said something, but I was somehow spellbound? He looked too peaceful, which is rare for him because like I said he is troubled and gets therapy, so it was rare to see him at ease, peaceful and looking absolutely beautiful. I found out later that I actually..kissed him. I don’t know what happened, I just..went for it. I was shocked after that. First thing I was afraid of? That he would say I betrayed his friendship and hates on me. I only too late realized that I’m supposed to be straight and if so, I wouldn’t be feeling like kissing him. He didn’t mention it afterwards. I think he thought it was just curiosity. Then I got really ill one time, and he took care of me like no other. He abandoned his college for awhile and his work, putting everything to the side, for about two weeks, until I got better. He did everything for me at that time, almost living in my apartment to do so. I was a jerk to him at that time because I was sick and on the edge of going insane from the confusion. After that he had a breakdown (I even felt flattered that he did so in front of me, since he’s always hiding his emotions and acts like if all is okay), and I was comforting him, holding him and saying comforting words, and when he calmed a bit, he looked at me..in a way I’ve never seen before, then kissed me. I was shocked first, but I found myself returning it. And that was when I realized, finally, that I am in love with him, and that I have been for so long. Nothing happened after the kiss ended, he just smiled and went to sleep. In the morning, he said he couldn’t remember much, but is sorry for whatever he did if he did anything. I felt hurt. But I didn’t say anything.

After that, Christmas came. His family is dead, so I knew he has no one to spend it with, so I cancelled my plans with my family and spent with him. He kept urging me to go to my family house, but I refused. It was the best two days in my life. Nothing at all romantic or sexual, not even a kiss, but the time I spent with him, cooking and eating and watching movies and talking and playing games and laughing. I couldn’t ask for more. The problem? I know that he hates straight guys who acts on curiosity only. He thinks all straight guys who say that they converted are curious only and that they would break the heart of whoever the man they are with when they “realize it isn’t their thing after all”. So to not put myself in this situation, I started doing extensive attempts to make sure of my sexuality. I watched gay videos and looked at images, read novels, everything. But still, never could I find myself attracted to any of these people. But.. I noticed that whenever I watch any, I don’t focus at all on what I am seeing or the people there, but I only keep thinking of him in that way, and that..turns me on..very badly. I tried to switch to some regular man-on-woman vids? And yes, I could appreciate it and gets excited.. but I’m not turned on as badly as I get when I think of him. I tried even once to explain to a gay classmate of mine, and he said maybe I should try with him first as if to see? I was just about ONE INCH from kissing that classmate when I found myself just bolting away saying that I just simply can’t. Not because he was gay, but because..he(my friend) crossed my mind and all I could think of was kissing him, and not that classmate.

New Year Eve came, and he called me to hang around a bit since we both were single so we got nothing to do. It was a nice outing, and I felt I was just about to blurt out that I love him, but I remembered the scenario I think will take place. He would say I’m just curious and will brush it off, or hate on me because I “Since he’s bi, I’d think he will just sleep with any guy”. I don’t blame his overreacting ideas, he has suffered enough to develop them. So I did..something else. I kissed him, again. But this time it was more passionate, and he..sort of returned it this time. It was long, and when it ended, I went for another one. But this time, he moved his head a bit to the side, so I moved back. He hurried and said he has to go, and from a distance, he smiled and said he’d see me around. It went back to normal, the meetings of us, but he didn’t say anything. I noticed though that he was starting to get awkward around me. Like he’d be spacing out, then I ask him what’s it and he would say nothing. I started asking him questions about gay sex. Like.. I’d read on something and ask him about it. He was so shocked that he almost died from choking. He asked why and if I am “curious now”, and I said that it’s knowledge for everyone, so nothing wrong with it. He then would start asking me if I find this guy or that guy, men with good looks, are hot, and I’m always very blunt and honest with him, so I admit that no I don’t. I don’t know if I should confess.. I love him very much. And I don’t mind even having sex with him, and even taking turns, I don’t want to control him or any of this. But also I know that me not liking any other guy, or even find any other man is ever attractive, but only him, wouldn’t settle well with him. I too am not sure if that makes me bisexual or what. I just really can’t look at any other guy. And at the same time, now the idea of being with a girl is also just..not there. I want to be with him. I know that he respects and cherishes me very much. He opened up to me, and we vent to each other, he told me secrets he holds dearly, so I don’t want to break his trust. I want to prove that my love is real.. and that I’m not just curious. Or …am I? I know that I don’t care much about sex if this is what being curious is about. It’d be just a bonus to show him how much I care. I finally sorted out my the feelings and confusion I had since I was in middle school around him, and sometimes I feel that he does too.. but I don’t know what to do. Is it really odd to only like one guy, and not the rest of the gender, and is it really odd to find only him sexy and appealing, and not the rest of men? It’s been a year and half now since we became friends and close, so I don’t want to ruin this.. What should I do?