Val

I think if he has a proclivity for cheating then you have a problem. Emotional cheating is the same as physical cheating. His behavior shows that he does not respect his primary relationship or partner. If you are the type of person that cherishes your monogamous relationships then I would be very careful with the relationship with regards to your emotional well being. You deserve a partner who is in the relationship completely, and reciprocates the respect you put into it and him. Most of all, you deserve someone who doesn't have wondering eyes, especially with a co-worker of yours.

AMW

Well, in my mind the age difference makes me wonder why men twice your age are not dating men their own age.

In my mind, the man in the store is playing a game with you. Just pay attention to your boyfriend and let the other man play his games.

Justin

"THE SINGLE BIGGEST PROBLEM WITH COMMUNICATION IS THE ILLUSION THAT IT HAS TAKEN PLACE." – GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

You and your boyfriend are clearly not an exception to the rule that every committed couple must learn how to achieve healthy conflict within its relationship. Now is the time for you to start developing that key component of all successful relationships. Your intuition told you to seek advice on how to deal with your boyfriend’s flirtatious behavior with a co-worker, and I heartily commend you for having listened to it. You should always abide by your intuition, for it is God speaking to you.

Because your relationship is still in its incipient stages, you and your boyfriend must begin improving your interpersonal relationship skills by mastering one of the most basic rules of healthy conflict: never let a minor irritation grow into a major irritation.

In order to prevent a minor irritation from growing into a major irritation, you must immediately discuss the source of your irritation with your partner. All relationships require work, and part of that work is honing the ability to effectively communicate with one another. Because you have not yet discussed your current concern with your boyfriend, he is obviously still under the misimpression that his ongoing flirtation with one of your co-workers is so perfectly casual and harmless that it couldn’t possibly ever have caused you even one moment’s discomfort. After all, your boyfriend is not a mind reader. If he is doing something that causes you pain, it is up to you to tell him about it. It is unfair for you to silently seethe at how his flirting is negatively impacting your peace of mind. That behavior will only result in your resentment building a wall between you and your boyfriend. Even though your relationship is still very new, you and your boyfriend have already begun to take it for granted and forgotten the amaranthine need to communicate with each other not just about the big issues facing you, but the little issues facing you as well. Issues as trivial as when the front lawn will be mowed and who will mow it are as intricately woven into the rich tapestry of your lives as much more significant issues are. It’s a shame that family meals have gone the way of the Edsel in so many American homes these days, for they are an excellent way for partners to allot time each day to discuss a wide variety of issues. You should consider instituting that old-fashioned ritual in your home. While regular and frequent discussions are important to your relationship, words are not the only tool you have for communicating with your partner. Touch is also a highly effective form of communication. I strongly recommend that you and your partner make a deliberate effort to tenderly touch one another from time to time throughout the course of each day. Even if those acts of touching must be brief because of the demands of a hectic day, they will do much to prevent you from growing apart both physically and emotionally. Try to remember how you could hardly keep your hands off each other when you first began dating.

Immediately schedule an appointment with your boyfriend for the purpose of having an open, honest, and loving discussion about the issue that currently troubles you. Schedule the appointment only for a time when you are confident that each of you will be able to check his anger at the door and remain calm, cool, and collected. It is important that you understand the differences between a discussion and an argument. If your discussion devolves into an argument, the important messages you have for one another will go unheard. For clarification on the differences between a discussion and an argument, check out one of my previous post, "Homosexuality & the Bible."

Open your discussion by explaining the reasons you asked your boyfriend to meet with you. Do not fear. You are very familiar with what those reasons are. You know them intuitively. You hear them in your head, and you feel them in your heart. You have already very poignantly expressed them in the question you submitted to this site. Now you need to speak frankly about them to your boyfriend, who cannot be faulted for not already having perceived them. Inform him that you are aware of his ongoing flirtation with one of your co-workers because you have seen it for yourself. Assure him that you have not given any credence to what others have told you about his flirtation because you fully understand that you cannot rely on the accuracy of that evidence. Explain to him that while you would never seek to gain total control over his interactions with other people, it is proper and necessary for your relationship to comprise boundaries that clearly define what behavior is acceptable and what behavior is unacceptable within the context of your relationship because all healthy relationships have such boundaries. Convey to him that while you understand he never intended for his flirtation to be anything but casual and harmless, it has, nonetheless, caused you emotional pain by making you feel that you are so inadequately satisfying his sexual fantasies that he has resorted to arranging adult play dates with a stranger. Advise him that his flirting with a co-worker is very risky business, for it could create a hostile work environment for you if it sours and leaves your co-worker feeling disgruntled with him or you. Enlighten him to the fact that if his flirtation were to ever develop into something akin to emotional infidelity (as all flirtations have the potential to do), that betrayal would be just as devastating to you as an act of physical unfaithfulness on his part.

After you have fully explained to your boyfriend how his flirtation with your co-worker has negatively affected you, you should cede the floor to him. Your discussion must be a two-way street. Your boyfriend deserves an opportunity to explain himself and air any concerns he may have about your behavior. Prepare yourself for the possibility that your boyfriend’s perception of what has transpired during this unfortunate episode may be very different from yours. Also, be receptive to any possible need for adjustments in your behavior if you want to get your relationship back on the right track.

The final step in this discussion will be for you and your boyfriend to construct new behavioral boundaries to your relationship. A total ban on any degree of flirtation with your co-workers and his co-workers should certainly be included. It is also abundantly clear that a total ban on physical and emotional infidelity is needed because you cannot assume that your boyfriend already understands that your relationship is based on total primacy and exclusivity. He is a man, after all! Because that crucial boundary is only now being officially declared, it must be emphatically verbalized to him and by him so that there can be no misunderstanding of it or its importance to your relationship. Any future claims about a misunderstanding or ignorance of that boundary will not be accepted. It is important to remember that your boyfriend may not be the only one who needs to acknowledge and submit to new behavioral boundaries; your two-way discussion may reveal the need for new behavioral boundaries that specifically address legitimate concerns your boyfriend has about your behavior and that are designed to protect his feelings from being hurt by your behavior in the future. Close your discussion only after you have established what the consequences will be for any future violation of your newly formed boundaries. Mutually agree to a policy of swift and resolute enactment of those consequences. For example, if you tell your partner that the consequence for physical or emotional infidelity will be the dissolution of your partnership, stick to your guns on that issue if he does commit physical or emotional infidelity one day. Otherwise, your newly formed boundaries will be utterly meaningless; and you will be condemning yourself to a relationship that will inevitably become highly dysfunctional and abusive.

Please know that you are not alone as you confront the conflict currently impinging upon your relationship. Conflict touches every human relationship worth having at one time or another. No one can escape that harsh reality of life.

I thank you for your question. Your story is a cautionary tale that is replete with valuable lessons for this site's entire readership.

I wish you fair winds and following seas.

Val

This is my take on the situation. Your boyfriend has shopped at the store since before you started working there, so there was a preexisting relationship between them, albeit a casual one(from what we know anyway). If you suspect there is more to their casual friendship/acquaintance than either is letting on to, and I suspect you have for quite some time, then you have some serious decisions facing you.

Asking your boyfriend to not shop at the store or to engage in conversation with the coworker will be futile, and more importantly, unreasonable on your part.

What has worked for me in the past is sitting down and having a frank discussion about the relationship and your concerns. But first, you must know what it is that you want (and can tolerate) in a relationship. That way, you will be on solid ground when you talk to him and you'll see more clearly if he can fulfill your needs.

As a resource, I would google Codependents Anonymous. I am in no way suggesting that you are codependent, but merely suggest you review the information as a refresher on how to put yourself first in a relationship.

Justin

Paula Deen, the charming and inimitable Southern belle who rose to fortune and fame dispensing buttered and battered nuggets of culinary wisdom on the Food Network, often reminds her millions of loyal viewers, "If you want to make an omelet, you’ve got to crack some eggs."

Miss Paula is correct. Good cooking involves detailed chemistry. It can result only from much time-consuming prep work, lots of old-fashioned elbow grease, plenty of patience, and the precise and proper combination of quality ingredients. Good cooks never let the fear of a difficult culinary process that will inevitably create a dirty mess cork their creative juices. They completely remove fear from the culinary equation; and then they roll up their sleeves, don an apron for protection, and undertake the logically progressive steps of whatever intricate recipe intrigues them at the moment.

Cooking is an excellent analogy for the hard work involved in achieving and maintaining healthy interpersonal relationships, which are also the result of chemistry requiring a diligent and concerted effort on the part of all parties involved.

From my "Kitchen of Love", I have previously provided you with a recipe for success in transforming what can currently only be described in frank culinary terms as a "curdled" relationship into one that is toothsome, savory, and oh-so-delicious. As of this date, however, the fear of hard, messy work has prevented you from mastering that highly prized recipe.

That recipe, however, is still your best option for achieving your desired goal of restoring a much needed sense of sanity to your troubled relationship with your boyfriend. I sincerely suggest that you revisit it immediately. It will require hard, messy work on your part just as any relationship worth having always does; but now is the time for you to "garbage bowl" (as Rachael Ray, another top-rated Food Network star, would say) any fear you have about such necessary endeavors.

You should also be sure to don an “emotional apron” because Miss Paula knows of what she speaks. In order to cure what ails your relationship, you are now going to have to face the inescapable fact that the maintenance of a healthy relationship requires constant vigilance and hard work. You have been avoiding those responsibilities, but you cannot avoid them any longer. In culinary terms, you are finally going to have to... "crack some eggs"!

I wish you fair winds and following seas.