Sorry for being so long to start off with! Basically my question is why do I do this? And the scenario follows. I always considered myself straight, untill about 3-4 years ago (im 19 now) when I started watching gay porn and really quite enjoyed it. I still dont know what I am because while I do have phases of watching gay porn a lot I dont like see a bloke walking down the street and think ‘wow, he’s hot!’ or anything. I do with women but as for men in everyday life it seems to be strictly platonic. However, one night in october last year I was looking through the personals section of the craigslist website – I just enjoy reading them – but I actually responded to one and the following week I met up with a man in his 30’s who gave me a blowjob in his car. I didn’t finish – I felt embarrased and nervous and driving home I even felt a bit dirty, though more I think because i met up with a stranger than because it was a man. So anyway, I didn’t have a good time, but then the next week I messaged him and met up again and he sucked me off and I came. And I liked it, at the time. But then the same as last time the moment it finished I decided it wasn’t what I wanted to do and felt no urge to go back… for a while. I haven’t been back since, but I have emailed the man in moments of… I don’t know what, where I’ve been saying yes we have to do it again and would he go further etc etc. But I don’t get it because the feelings don’t last. It’s like my mind can’t make its mind up about whether I like the idea of sex/intimacy with another man or not. Its happening now, for the last week or 2 it hasnt crossed my mind, but I was having a shower a minute ago and saw myself in the mirror and the thought of meeting this bloke again popped into my head and I’ve had an erection ever since. But he’s not even attractive, even when we were doing it I wasnt overly attracted to him. Any thoughts?