AMW

This is going to be very difficult for her. This will NOT be easy in any way. My suggestion is to seek professional help. Find a family therapist and ask this professional for advice. The therapist may suggest to do this in his/her office. It is your duty to make sure that your wife has as a smooth enough transition as possible. It may be good for you to have post announcement counseling to make sure you can move on in a healthy manner.

At the end of the day, it is good that you are being honest and brave and telling her.

Val

I gently suggest talking to a licensed professional to sort through what you are feeling and to get a better understanding on how to share your feelings with your wife.

Justin

Your wife deserves to know the truth about your sexuality, and you are morally obligated to tell it to her immediately. Do not wait another day to finally tell her the truth because you fear that you will be unnecessarily clumsy in the delivery of it. The truth will be painful for her to hear no matter how you tell it to her.

If you first came to suspect and then realize that you are gay only during the course of your marriage and not before it, then nothing about your newly found realization is shameful in and of itself. You have, however, made some missteps in response to your realization. As a married man, you have a duty to communicate to your wife any issue that impacts upon your marriage; but you have concealed from her a once developing and now solidly confirmed realization about an issue as significant as the true nature of your sexual orientation. You also broke a sacred marital vow you made to your wife before family, friends, and God when you began a liaison with another man. While you have been conducting that liaison, you have ignored your conjugal duties to your wife and left her to wonder about a marked change in your usual behavior. Additionally, you have repeatedly lied to your wife to cover your tracks. It is important to remember that you had morals that served you well when you thought you were straight. Do not abandon those morals just because you now realize that you are gay. An ugly stereotype about gay people is that they are all immoral. You can help smash that stereotype by immediately returning to the morals that have always guided you in life.

You are human; and all the missteps you have made in response to a realization that will ultimately lead you out of the closet are forgivable as long as you candidly admit to them, sincerely apologize for them, diligently strive never to repeat them, and boldly face the proper consequences of them. The first step you need to take along the path to forgiveness is to have a heartfelt conversation with your wife today. It should begin by finally revealing the secret you have held for far too long. You might also consider emphasizing to your wife that although you now realize that you are gay, you would very much like her to know that you were authentically in love with her during your courtship, on your wedding day, and up until the day you began realizing a previously unknown truth about your sexual orientation; that she did not cause your homosexuality; that you take full responsibility for the marital problems caused by the way you have handled yourself In response to your realization; and that although you are no longer "in love" with her, you will always love her.

I wish you fair winds and following seas.