What are the signs that my husband is gay or bisexual or am I just crazy!
Hi – First I am very much in love with my husband and if there is something going on, then I just want to know. Second, he has a very close guy friend “Joe”, who is married, that he spends lots of time golfing with. He talks to him on the phone 3 – 4 times almost every day except for Sundays when we are home together.
My husband tells me that “Joe” is always calling him, but the cell phone records show that it is my husband that is calling him. If they have plans and “Joe” doesn’t show up, my husband will try to call him over and over, up to 14 times that day trying to reach him. I mentioned to him that I felt jealous of his relationship with “Joe” and he became extremely angry and said that there was nothing wrong with his friendship with “Joe”. Third..it was his birthday recently and I wanted to get him a laptop. I couldn’t afford a brand new one and wanted to see if my old one could be fixed for him to use. I have never seen him use the internet for anything except to download some music and I have not seen him do that for about a year. I had a tech guy look at the laptop and told him that no one had used it for about two years, he told me that someone was using it several time a week and looking at porn sites, lots of porn sites. I didn’t know what to think so I have just been watching the sites my husband has been visiting each week. The amount of gay porn sites he looks at have been increasing. Faced with this, I started looking around the house and found some porn videos in his golf bag, three straight and one gay. These are gone now so I don’t know if there are his or someone else’s. In his closet I found a large and I mean large rubbery dildo thing and know for a fact that he is using it on himself. Our sex life is average I think, we have sex about 1 time a week, my husband seems to be sexually attracted to me, he tells me I am pretty. I get a lot of attention from other guys and I know that I am attractive but I feel that in this situation, it might not matter. I work a lot, about 65 – 70 hours per week – he has his own business and works about 20 hours a week, so he has a lot of free time. We do not have a very intimate marriage; we do not do a lot of things together. He LOVES golf and that is what he does with all his spare time. If there is a day when the business I work for is closed, he will never ask if I would like to do something with him. He always has a golf day planned and that day will usually include “Joe” or at least he will be asked to go. I thought that maybe if we had sex more then he wouldn’t look at porn but the day after we had sex two times, the very next day he was on the computer about 15 minutes after I left for work looking at porn. I don’t know what all this means; I just have NO ONE to ask about it. Maybe everything he is doing is normal… I am very sad that he has all these secrets that he is hiding from me. Maybe it is none of my business what he does in his spare time… Thank you for reading this and I look forward to your insights.
Sean
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Justin
No, you are not crazy; but there is a lot of craziness going on in your household.
Your husband has been basting in a bacchanal of pornographic images, maintaining a relationship that understandably makes you jealous because he puts more energy into sustaining it than he does his relationship with you, keeping a porn addiction secret from you, and satisfying an interest in a type of sexual activity he led you to believe he does not have.
You now have newly discerned information about your husband's activities, and that information impacts upon the welfare of your marriage. You did not obtain that information through an unwarranted invasion of your husband's privacy or through trickery; it was all obtained through legitimate means and in the normal course of the daily affairs of your life together as husband and wife.
Loving relationships do not require you to play dumb, and you must resist the urge to avoid pain by avoiding truth. Do not give away your power, and do not accept the submissive role of victim at this crucial juncture in your marriage.
The questions you have asked us at this website follow naturally and logically from your acquisition of new, pertinent information that bears upon your marriage. However, only your husband can truly tell you if he is bisexual, what the true nature of his relationship with Joe is, why his relationship with Joe so extensively consumes his thought and attention and brings him thrill levels that are inappropriate with someone other than his spouse, why he has kept his inordinate preoccupation with pornography from you, why he has hidden from you a sex toy more typically associated with gay men than straight men, and why a great deal of the pornography that fascinates him so deeply and occupies so much of his time is of a nature that you were led to believe would not be of any interest to him beyond fleeting curiosity. You must ask your husband the questions you have asked us. Any wife in your position would have the exact same questions and suspicions you have; they are completely and utterly valid. Convey to your husband that you will not accept anything but thoughtful, coherent answers that fully satisfy your appropriate need to know.
If it turns out that you actually are facing your husband's bisexuality, porn addiction, and infidelity, those issues will be difficult obstacles to overcome; but they are not the greatest threat to your marriage by far. Your marriage is most strikingly characterized by an underlying lack of communication, and it is that pathology that is the greatest threat to your marriage. I think sessions with a licensed marriage counselor focusing on the development of strong, interpersonal communication skills would prove to be invaluable to you and your husband.
Peace be with you.
Follow Up Question
I wanted to thank Sean and Justin so very much for the thoughtful and respectful answers to the question that I submitted. Although I REALLY wanted to hear that I was crazy and it was normal for heterosexual men to use that type of sex toys and watch gay porn 5 - 6 days a week and hide it from their wife. Also, I would NEVER say anything to anyone who knows my husband, which leaves me feeling isolated, sad and so afraid that one day he is going to come to me and tell me he is leaving me because he is gay. We have been married for 16 years; it is his third marriage and my second. My children love him so much and he is a great dad to them. I am also afraid that if I talk to him that he will tell me that he won't do it anymore....but that wouldn't be right if he was only doing it because of me. God I just don't know what to do, I love him so much I want him to be happy. Is there a way to bring this up in a non-threatening and non-confrontational way... how does a conversation like that start??? I really do think he loves me... do you think he could be happy with me or do you think he will only be happy admitting that he is... I don’t even know. I have searched the internet asking how to tell if someone is gay or bisexual and the answers are so confusing. I guess I feel that if he is bisexual then maybe he could be happy staying married to me. If you know of a way to talk to someone about a situation like this could you pass it along….I think I am going to need some help with that.
Justin
It does not matter if your husband is gay or bisexual. What matters is that your husband is not straight. He knows it, and you know it. It is absurd that the two of you continue to dance around the topic. It is too important of an issue for you to ignore any longer. Now is not the time for politeness. Now is the time for both of you to finally face the truth and deal with it directly.
If your husband is gay, I don’t see how your marriage could continue as anything other than a charade; but I definitely believe he could continue to be the excellent parent he always has been to your children. Your marriage is more likely to survive if your husband is bisexual. His bisexuality would not render him incapable of fulfilling his sacred marital vows to you, nor would it render him incapable of being an excellent parent. His bisexuality would not be as a big a threat to your marriage as the lack of communication between the two of you is. Your inability to communicate with each other is the pathology that will ultimately destroy your marriage. If you decide to remain married to your husband, I strongly suggest that you immediately begin marriage counseling that focuses on the development of strong interpersonal communication skills.
I wish you fair winds and following seas.
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