How do I tell if my best friend is gay. He jokes around me when he comes over and we masturbate together but he has a girlfriend that he is never around. Should I ask him? But like I said we will wrestle and he jokes around about stuff you know.
Sean
First you need to ask yourself if it really matters one way or the other. If you guys masturbate together and wrestle around then you don't need to put a label on it, unless you want to open a dialog. Do you want him to be comfortable telling you or do you want to know because it would mean you'd be afraid to continue your friendship. People in general put way too much importance on this. He is your friend and you guys enjoy doing things. Isn't that the kind of friend everybody would be lucky having? Are you curious about your own feelings or just his? Please write back and let us know your thoughts. Thanks for writing.
Val
Since he is your best friend, I would just ask him. Find your best way of bringing it up and go for it.
Justin
Yes, you should definitely ask your friend the question that is on your mind.
This situation you describe is an excellent example of the need to develop strong, healthy communication skills within all of our relationships. You and this fellow have a friendship that comprises a great degree of intimacy. Very few friendships between men, after all, actually entail joint sessions of masturbation. The two of you have crossed a boundary that is highly uncommon between men who view themselves as friends, but for the time being this particular decision seems to be working to your mutual satisfaction as unusual as it may be. I take you at your word when you write that friendship is the nature of your relationship even though your claim strains this particular columnist's credulity.
Your friendship should be a safe haven. It should provide you with the comfort of knowing that you can ask your friend about whatever is on your mind, and it should afford your friend the security of knowing that your sincerest desire is for him to live his truth openly and freely. Good friends don't leave each other wondering about who the other person is. Sexual orientation is a key component of a person's identity. It is natural for you to desire a deeper understanding of your friend's complete makeup, and it appropriate that you ask him for clarification if you are confused. You are not a mind reader. At this point in your relationship if you want to know whether your friend is gay or not, you must ask him.
It is 2010. The collective consciousness of the world has evolved on the issue of sexual orientation, and it is wholly appropriate for you to conduct yourself accordingly. By doing so, you will be doing your metaphysical part to further lift any remaining social stigma attached to homosexuality and advance the cause of allowing everyone the freedom to live his truth.
Couch the questions you pose to your friend in solid reassurance that you wholeheartedly offer your friendship unconditionally, of course; but deliver them with an attitude that reflects the casualness with which you regard the issue of sexual orientation. Your youthful generation understands well that disapproval should not be attached to one's sexual orientation. Heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality are equally valid; and mistreatment against someone based on his sexual orientation is unacceptable because sexual orientation is an element of who one of God's children is, not an element of the behavior of one of God's children. It is proper to judge the behavior of God's children as right or wrong, but it is immoral to judge God's children as right or wrong for being who they are. God is infallible, and He did not err in making any of His children. Straight, gay, or bisexual, all of God's children are inherently beautiful and deserving of love. Treat the issue of your friend's sexual orientation as casually as if you were asking him if he preferred blondes or brunettes; for whatever your friend's response is, it will not warrant or elicit a single ounce of condemnation from you. The truth of what your friend's sexual orientation is will have no impact on your friendship because it matters not to you whether he is gay, straight, or bisexual. What matters is that you have a clear picture of who your friend honestly is. Friendship can only bloom and grow if it is planted in the organic soil of truth.
What you can't treat casually, however, is the need for your friendship to always permit communication that is honest, open, direct, and assertive.
Be excellent to each other always.
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