Does this sound like my boyfriend may be gay?
Here are some reasons it may be a possibility:
– In the beginning we were slow to be intimate (and all of my other experiences, well only 2 other men, they were very eager and willing to be sexual, so it was what I was used to)…I would ask him why he wouldn’t initiate , and he couldn’t come up with an answer for me, he said he literally didn’t really know… but later on he said he was afraid to do anything that might offend me because he didn’t know how ready I was. I actually wondered if he was gay back then because he didn’t seem too interested in sex with me…but he adores everything else about me, calls me baby, calls me beautiful, etc. One time we spent the night at his parent’s house and he didn’t even make the moves then. I was upset about that. I thought, what guy wouldn’t take the opportunity to get frisky? He would talk about having sex more than he wanted to do it. But then again, other times he was into it and did suggest it. We even went to a sex toy store together, and no, he wasn’t interested in the gay sex toys. We both laughed a little at the giant dildos, but that was all. So it’s hard to gauge his interest level.
– On the topic of a children’s show with gay characters, he said he wouldn’t let his children watch it, that he’d turn off that “sh*t”…I heard guys who are secretly gay often say negative things about it. – He seems to lack emotional intimacy…he never likes to kiss THAT much. He gives a lot of kisses on the cheek, head, etc, not many deep kisses, which I love. Kissing is the most basic form of romantic expression… Now, lack of emotional intimacy could be from his upbringing- he was adopted and grew up in foster care until age 4 with a mean sister as his only family. He even admitted to me, he “kinda” has intimacy issues. I know he’s had therapy for his issues.
– During sex there is not much physical touching/kissing besides sex itself. – We’ve had sex “back there” once (when we were talking about it I jokingly asked if he ever had someone do him that way, and he laughed and said no) because he really wanted to with me, but everything else was normal sex, and he does go down on me, and has said he fantasizes about going down on me, has dreams about having sex with me, etc. Other things I wonder about: he mentioned he thinks his dad is gay and has found gay porn on his dad’s computer some time ago. He told me gay guys have hit on him. He told me he has lesbian friends. ….would he have told me these things just to gauge my reaction? I should note he is 28 and HAS had 2 past long term relationships with women- they lasted 5 years and 2 years. No idea if he has been with men at any point in his life. I know he was at boarding school for several years when younger. How do I approach the subject? I don’t know about asking flat out. I once had an elementary school “boyfriend” who turned out to be gay in adulthood. Could I use this as an approach? I really like him…he’s said he wants a family with me and everything…I need to either put my worries to rest or need him to be honest about his sexuality. People say when you have a feeling, you’re usually right, but I just don’t know if it all adds up or if I’m paranoid. I know he watches porn occasionally and I *think* I’ve seen lesbian porn but I don’t know if he has gay porn too. But from the beginning it was weird physically as I mentioned…
Val
Yes, kissing is the most basic form of romantic expression. If your boyfriend has intimacy issues that he hasn't dealt with, then you should let him know that you want a partner that is completely given to the relationship, and that he needs to deal with his stuff. He sounds like a great guy from what you have written, but you deserve to be in a healthy relationship where your gestures of love and intimacy are reciprocated. His charm will only satiate you for so long. At some point, and you are questioning it now, you will want your sexual needs met.
Yes, it is common for closeted men and women to take anti gay stances. That's a good call on your part. Always, as you said, follow your instinct. He may be the most wonderful guy, but if he is gay, then you should just keep him as a friend. Your well being and sanity should be your priority. Bringing up your childhood friend story is a good way to gauge him, and if he feels comfortable and safe, maybe he will open up to you. It's true if you directly ask him, and he is closeted and has issues of guilt and shame (internalized homophobia), most likely he will lie anyway or get defensive. He is certainly contradicting himself when he says he has lesbian friends but wouldn't let his kids watch shows with gay characters. Usually where there are lesbians, there are gays as well. So, to say that gay men hit on him seems a little odd. Why wouldn't he associate having gay friends as well, just them hitting on him.
Justin
You are not having a relationship with the person your boyfriend actually is. You are having a relationship with the person you want him to be.
Communication is the key to all relationships, but both of you are avoiding a plethora of difficult questions. You refuse to ask them, and your boyfriend refuses to answer them. In that dysfunctional way, you are a perfect match for one another.
You need to see a therapist as a couple in order to learn how to fix your joint inability to communicate with each other about crucial matters.
If therapy fails to produce satisfactory answers to your lingering questions, do not invest any more time or energy in the relationship. No relationship that requires you to ignore your inner voice of intuition is worthwhile.
I wish you fair winds and following seas.
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