Val

The only way to appease your feelings is to ask him. But you should be prepared that he may not want to talk about the subject, or he may give you an answer that he thinks you want to hear. After all, his friends and family make gay jokes about him, and gay jokes are made that he joins in on. I can only assume that the family jokes have probably been going on all his life which could have made it difficult to come out, if he is gay, bi, questioning, or comfortable.

Justin

The list of complaints that you have about your boyfriend is extraordinarily long, and the issue of his effeminacy is permanently perched in its peak position. One does not have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that you do not find effeminacy to be an attractive quality on a man. It is quite ironic, therefore, that your boyfriend’s most telling characteristic is his effeminacy, which pervades his every action, thought, and word. That claim is perfectly illustrated by your boyfriend’s fashion sense; for what he very cleverly refers to as a “satchel” serves to fulfill his ardent desire to carry a purse, which is an accessory more typically associated with women in our culture and most others. Although your boyfriend does use a thinly veiled euphemism to disguise what serves as his purse, he has, on the whole, represented himself authentically to you. For example, he does not hide his satchel/purse from you; and he has occasionally joined his friends in publicly making jokes about his womanish behavior. You, on the other hand, have been less than candid about your true feelings when it comes to the makeup of your boyfriend’s personality. His effeminacy annoys you terribly; but from the inception of your relationship, you have falsely convinced yourself, your boyfriend, and everyone else that it is not a trait that prevents you from being able to love him completely.

You also have well-founded suspicions that your boyfriend is out of touch with his true sexual orientation. Strongly bolstering your suspicions is the fact that your boyfriend’s family members are so thoroughly convinced that he is gay or bisexual that they openly joke about the matter amongst themselves. They appropriately understand the wisdom in the adage that if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, then it is a duck. If political correctness requires one to ignore the obvious or his own intuitive gut feelings, everyone should strive to be politically incorrect. Your boyfriend, moreover, exhibits alarming anorexic tendencies; and those tendencies are highly suggestive of someone who is struggling to avoid powerful feelings he considers to be negative. Anorexia nervosa is a disease that is rooted in a sufferer’s avoidance of feelings that frighten him. In order to avoid those frightening feelings, an anorexic cunningly occupies his time by obsessively controlling the extremely superficial issue of his weight through an all-consuming and deadly attention to diet and exercise. I urge you to lovingly express to your boyfriend as soon as possible the concern you have about his anorexic tendencies and your hope that he will seek professional help for them if they ever rise to the point of jeopardizing his good health or making his life unmanageable.

Your boyfriend is a good person, but he is not the right man for you. He is, however, thoroughly ensconced in your life because you are firmly entrenched in a self-destructive pattern of always being willing to “settle” for less than what your heart truly desires in a relationship. You were settling when you decided to pursue a relationship to the nth degree with a mincing dandy toting a purse and smelling of women’s perfume. People with low self-esteem typically do settle in their relationships. They feel obligated to never give up the pursuit of a relationship with anyone who shows them the slightest bit of attention even if that person is undeniably a poor match for them because they are convinced that someone with whom they would truly be well matched will never come along. People who foolishly ignore their God-given intuition also make the unfortunate mistake of settling in their relationships. Other common reasons people cheat themselves of happiness by settling in their relationships include: a mistaken belief that one can “fix” a broken partner; a misguided notion that one can be “fixed” by a partner even if that partner is, himself, emotionally damaged; fear of a ticking biological clock; loneliness; and pressure to couple with another person from family, friends, peers, or society at large.

Your task now is to discover the reason behind your willingness to settle in your relationships. Once you understand the reason for that pattern of self-destructive behavior, you will be better able to effect the changes necessary to break free from it once and for all. The self-examination you need to undertake will, however, require you to finally get honest about what your true feelings are. Your current boyfriend was never a suitable candidate for your partner in a romantic relationship, but you failed to recognize that fact because you were dishonest with yourself about your true feelings from the moment you met him. If the next guy you consider to be a potential partner possesses personality traits that annoy you to no end, have the courage to admit that truth to yourself; and immediately move on to someone else in your search for Mr. Right.

I wish you fair winds and following seas.