Hello, my boyfriend and I have been thinking about getting married and he recently told me about a sexual experience that he had about 2 years ago. He meet a woman while watching a movie, she offered to give him oral sex he accepted and they exchanged phone numbers. Later on that evening she texted him and wanted to know if he was interested in going further. He met her at her home only to find out that she was a transvestite. She started to unzip his pants and instead of stopping her, he figured why not try it. They had anal sex and he said he wanted to stop but he felt as though she wouldn’t let him leave if he didn’t finish. He said it was the most sickening thing he has ever done. But what I can’t seem to get over is the fact that he knew that person was a man and participated in anal sex anyway. He went back for seconds. This is the man that I love and want to marry. But I don’t want to go 5 years, have children and then find out that he is interested in men. I have tried to come to terms with his experimentation, but for some reason I can’t wrap my head around the fact that he knew and did it anyway. He tells me that he isn’t gay and that he loves me and what happened then will never happen again. How should I react to all of this?
Val
You are going to have to trust your own instincts and base your decision on how comfortable you feel going forward. Your feelings are valid because they affect you and you will have to live with your decisions.
It is possible for a straight person to try something new sexually and find that it wasn't appealing to him/her, just as it is possible for LGBTQ people to try new things, and feel it is not right for them.
Kelly
It's hard to predict what someone will do in the future especially not knowing them. I think it's a good sign that he was forthcoming and divulged what I can only image is an embarrassing moment in his life. The one thing I am not clear on is if it was the most sickening thing he's ever done why did he go back a second time. Maybe he went back just to make sure... who knows. I do think it's possible to experiment and realize it's not for you. If this is the case for your boyfriend I applaud him and I commend him on his honesty in telling you about it.
I suggest sitting down with him and having a heart to heart or better yet go to couples counseling. Be open and honest with him as he has been with you. Share your fear with him - that you are afraid that 5 years down the road he may realize he's gay. Before you get married you need to come to terms with this and whether or not you trust him to not do it again. Otherwise it will be you leaving the relationship 5 years down the road.
I think you have a few things on your side - the fact that he didn't know it was a guy going in. To me that says he's physically attracted to women - not men. And that this was the only time in his life this has happened. There are no guarantees in life or marriage. Heck 5 years down the road he could fall in love with another woman or you could fall in love with another man. You have to go with your gut - if you have reservations talk it out. Don't jump to conclusions - ask questions.
Best of luck to you.
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