Hi! Firstly let me say that I have no problem with homosexuality at all. Sex doesn’t define us as people, and I ask the following question more so for my boyfriend’s benefit than my own as I can’t bear to think that he may be unhappy. My boyfriend is extremely effeminate. Absolutely everyone who meets him would assume that he is gay – he takes great pride in his appearance, he’s very fashion conscious and has very feminine characteristics; the way he walks, talks, squeals with delight, hand gestures, the lot! I thought he was gay myself when I first met him and it didn’t bother me one bit but he assured me that he is not gay and is not interested in men. Fine, effeminate or not, I love my man and the person he is inside. Yes, he adores shopping, he’s very keen for me to look good and he cries at the smallest thing. He’s like my best friend and lover all rolled in to one. HOWEVER… I can’t stop the niggle at the back of my mind. My man has had many relationships with women and has children but though he loves sex, its more because of the things that I do for him than the things he does for me! We are a very loving couple and kiss and cuddle for hours. He loves my boobs but he rarely ventures below my frilly knicker line unless its for the act of sex itself and though he gets extremely aroused during the kissing stage he often loses his erection just before sex but regains it once the act is under way. Sometimes its the opposite, he’s erect to begin with then loses it during lovemaking. It can be somewhat frustrating for me and I know that he knows that he can do other things for me but he doesn’t, he just says that ‘things will improve’ and often leaves me high and dry, so to speak, although I always make sure he is satisfied. Is he a selfish lover, or am I right to be paying attention to the niggle in my mind? He’s quite ‘anti-gay’ and will rebuff and suggestion that he could be denying his true feelings. But if anything, he lives up to his campyness rather than making any attempt to play it down. He bumped into a man he doesn’t know coming through a swing door the other day and had that been a woman he’d have smiled at in such a way, we’d have had a row! It’s the little things like that that do make me wonder. He knows that the way he dresses might be considered as gay, he even says he dresses ‘gay’, but he likes it. He attracts A LOT of attention from men which doesn’t seem to bother him at all, so at the very least, my cool and loving guy may be ‘anti-gay’, but not in a demonstrative way, thank goodness. Everything else in our relationship is better than good, I’m a lucky, lucky girl, but sometimes I’m left wondering whether or not he likes my body (or if there’s anything wrong with me). We’re talking of settling down and moving in together but I’m afraid because he’s very young(38)to confine himself to a life that I worry would make him unhappy in the long run, that’s not what I want for him. At the end of the day, he may not be gay, I accept that, but I can almost see myself in a few years from now (if he did declare himself as gay) asking myself why I didn’t follow my instincts. Some of my gay friends have told me in the past that a real gay man just COULDN’T have sex with a woman, but I’m not sure that that is entirely true. We have talked about our sexual issues and he cried. He said he knows that he could do more and that he will in time, but if he’s as in to me as I am him, what’s the delay? He certainly isn’t shy and I compliment him all the time and tell him how much he turns me on, so could it be a confidence thing? I’m sorry to go on so much but I really love and care for him and I just want him to be happy. I’m 42 and quite a bit older than the women he has been with previously, he usually goes for quite young ‘girly girls’ so perhaps I’m just being paranoid about myself? Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanking you in advance.
Justin
"THE ONLY REAL VALUABLE THING IS INTUITION." - ALBERT EINSTEIN
That "niggle" is your inner voice of intuition. It is telling you loudly and clearly that your boyfriend is not the right man for you. Always abide by your intuition, for it God speaking to you. A life together with your boyfriend would fail to bring you happiness because it would apparently require you to always disregard your divinely given intuition. Do not condemn yourself to a life of that kind of misery.
The fact that your boyfriend has verbally assured you that he is straight means nothing. You cannot judge someone by what he tells you about himself. Actions speak louder than words. You should be judging your boyfriend by his actions, not his words; and his actions leave you with serious doubt about the veracity of his words. A flagrant disconnect does, indeed, exist between what your boyfriend has told you and what his actions have shown you and a multitude of other people. You are not imagining things. The suspicions you have about your boyfriend's true sexuality are well founded.
There is a loving way to end your relationship with your boyfriend that will be as gentle as possible, and it begins and ends with your telling him the truth. Tell him that you love him. Tell him that he is a good man and that nothing is wrong with him. Tell him that although you love him, you can no longer pursue a romantic relationship with him because you have listened to your intuition, which has been telling you loudly and clearly for a great deal of time that he is not the right man for you because you are unable to trust what he is telling you about his sexual identity. Tell him that you cannot ignore what your intuition has persistently been telling you for a great deal of time because doing so leaves you riddled with unrelenting doubt, regret, and agita. Tell him that a life together would fail to bring either one of you any happiness at all if that life hinges on either one of you having to always ignore his or her God-given intuition. Tell him that you hope you will always be friends, but it is now time for you to move on to other romantic relationships that don’t require you to ignore your intuition.
I thank you for your absorbing question. Once again the readers of this site have been powerfully reminded of the importance of learning to always trust their intuition. I need to be reminded of that lesson from time to time as well, and I am deeply grateful to you for having shared the human struggle before you. It has helped me, and I am certain it has tremendously helped a countless number of other good people dealing with exactly what you are dealing.
I wish you fair winds and following seas.
Val
Yes, gay men can and do have sex with women. Some men stay in the closet and lead double lives to avoid having to come out. Politicians, church leaders... the list goes on of men who have been outed living double lives. It perpetuates the notion that something is wrong with being gay because of their own internalized homophobia. Aside from the other persons life they are toying with, many deflect their gayness by taking a publicly anti gay stance. If you suspect something is off kilter in your relationship then you should definitely follow your instincts. The outcome may be painful but you deserve nothing but true happiness and complete honesty in your relationships.
By what you have written I don't believe there is anything wrong with you that would turn him off, age or otherwise. You should never fall into a trap of believing that something is wrong with you if you suspect your partner is gay. It is about him. So, he is either gay and closeted, gay and in denial, or gay with bisexual tendencies and closeted. I wouldn't say straight and comfortable because of his "anti-gay" stance.
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