Hi, I’m a 21 years old male and thought I was gay. Recently I remembered that in childhood I had several crushes (not sexual though) all of them about girls. When I was 10 years old I moved to the city and didn’t adapt to the new school, didn’t have friends and so on. Then, one time, at may be 11 years old I started to look at men’s penises in a gym locker room and feel aroused. That was the first gay feeling in my life. After that, at 13 I learned to masturbate and developed my sexuality more and more towards men. Though, I occasionally had non-sexual crushes on girls (in fact almost all the crushes that I had were about girls). One time, 2 years ago, I had a somewhat stronger feeling towards a boy younger than me (he was 13 years old while I was 19) and it was then that I started to think seriously that I was gay. Recently I came out to my parents and they were very supportive but told me not to assume that I was gay even to myself before I was sure that it wasn’t all in my mind because of my very troubled life, lack of integration in the male community(because of the theory that one admires what one wants to be), etc. In fact I can’t imagine me building a family with a man and I think I’m starting to fall in love with a woman, though I like her in a non sexual way. My sexual feelings are almost all towards men and I get hard much more readily thinking of men than of women. What is your opinion? What feelings should I ignore. Those sexual or those more romantic? Thank you in advance.
Val
This is an interesting question. Can a person fall in love with someone of the opposite sex but not be sexually attracted to that sex. In other words, he/she is attracted sexually only to people of the same sex. I would say that person is gay because he/she is attracted only to people of the same sex. Is it possible to fall in love with someone and not be sexually attracted to them as you describe? sure. Love is fluid, but sex and sexual attraction is very important in a relationship. It should be for you and for the partner you choose to be with. I would say generally, even in a coupling where there is no sex(abstinence), there is sexual attraction at the least. I think most importantly, I would explore why is that you feel that you couldn't imagine yourself building a family with a man, or why when you came out to your parents, their response was to tell you not to assume you were gay, even to yourself. Is there something wrong with being gay? That is my genuine and nonjudgmental question to you to help you explore what you are feeling.
Justin
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Sean
It seems pretty clear that your sexual attractions are toward men. At age 21, you are well passed that age of phases or uncertainty. That being said, every man's sexual identity is different. A lot of us never imagined we could have a family with another man, simply because we had no role models or did not understand how we could integrate that in our lives, but these days, gay families are totally common in major cities. You just have to ask yourself what do you want to have in your life. If you are not sexually attracted to women, I think you will find trying to marry a woman, have a family with her and live like that is just an invitation to chaos. Sexual passion is a huge part of any couple's relationship. Why is it that you can't imagine building a life with a man? Is it because you don't think you want to love a man, or is it because you don't see how you can make it work? Please write us back and we'll help you think this through. Congratulations on having supportive parents. That is great. Just keep in mind that straight parents can't really answer a lot of questions about what it would be like to live as gay man, because they don't know how you feel inside. Please tell us more about your situation.
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