Val

I don't think there is a right way or a wrong way. When you feel that you want to tell them, then just go for it. Not knowing your individual situation, I can only say that generally, you will feel in your heart when the time is right. Coming out is nothing to be ashamed of and you should be very proud of who you are. You should be very happy and excited to finally live your life as you are. Although there is a lot of hate and bias towards our community, there is also an enormous personal sense of freedom that comes with being able to live your life openly. Nothing is as liberating as cutting those cultural shackles. I've heard many different Coming Out stories and they run the gamut from announcing it at Thanksgiving dinner to throwing a full blown Coming Out party. I like the blunt approach- "Mom, I'm gay" or "Dad, I'm gay". Conversely, you can just show up with your bf/gf and let them figure it out (they will). I've also come across many people who haven't come out to their parents. So I would just say do whatever feels comfortable and safe for you. There are many wonderful resources to help you if you need assistance. PFLAG is a great organization you and your parents might want to look into. Above all, the most important thing to remember is that you are Coming Out to them to share with them who you are. There is nothing wrong with being LGBTQ... our community and our allies are proud and we are strong, and we don't Come Out with shame... we Come Out PROUD.

Justin

In the American media, one often hears talk of the abstract notion of "communities." According to the media, every single person alive is part of one “community” or another. If one isn’t part of the "migrant community", then he’s part of some other “community” whether it’s the African American "community", Asian Pacific Islander "community", Latino "community", transgendered "community", senior citizen "community", or any other of the almost endless number of “communities” that supposedly exist. The "community" to which you, other readers of this site, and I have been assigned by the media has a name that has undergone a lengthy, bizarre, and tortured process. It was originally known simply as the LGB "community". It then morphed into the LGBT "community" because its original moniker was apparently not a big enough of an umbrella to cover everyone the media required it to cover. According to media's ever-changing sense of political correctness, everyone is currently saddled with the onus of having to refer to it as the LGBTQI "community". What a mouthful! Before it's all over, its name will include every letter of the alphabet. The media misguidedly pushes for everyone to adopt its group mentality, which is actually part of a mindset known as collectivism. Collectivism always views people as members of a group, but never as individuals. Racism is an abhorrent example of collectivism. As you are about to throw open the doors of your proverbial closet, forget the media’s tiresome emphasis on collectivism's assertion that you are part of a "community". Cling, instead, to the fact that you are first and foremost an individual. Although every gay person grapples with the issue of coming out of the closet at one time or another, no two gay people are alike. The challenges you face in coming out of the closet are unique to your individual circumstances, and they will result in a unique experience that you will carry with you for years to come. Make certain that you are coming out of the closet to satisfy only yourself. Understand that you are not obligated to please anyone from your supposed "community" or elsewhere. Peer pressure should not be part of your equation. It's imperative that you respect your individuality and the factors of your individual circumstances as you fasten your seat belts for what could be bumpy ride.

While it is important to honor your individuality and the factors inherent in your individual circumstances as you come out of the closet to your parents, it is equally important to remember that you should hope for the best possible outcome, but prepare yourself for the worst possible outcome. If you are young enough that you are still dependent on your parents for food, clothing, shelter, and money, those forms of support could be withdrawn in the worst case scenario. While it is statistically unlikely that such a scenario will unfold, you should be fully prepared for it. (Those boy scouts are right about always being prepared for every situation.) You know your parents better than anyone else. If you assess the risk of such a possibility as being high, consider postponing your plan to come out to them. A safer alternative might be for you to first come out to another close relative, a friend, a school counselor, or a private therapist. Having such a person solidly in your camp could be a much appreciated source of support for you when the time is ultimately right for you to come out to your parents. First coming out to such a person would also provide you with a good trial run down what has the potential to be a slippery slope. Coming out of the closet does, indeed, have risks; you cannot get around that fact. If you are old enough that you are no longer dependent on your parents in any way, you should be prepared for the possibility that their reaction will fall far short of your hopes and expectation. Ask yourself if you are emotionally prepared for that possibility. If you are not prepared for the possibility that your parents’ response could be emotionally devastating to you, consider postponing your plan.

Another equally important point to remember is that you should not reveal your true sexual identity if doing so will result in harm to you. Someone who would harm you is not entitled to know the truth of who you really are. If you choose to withhold the truth of your sexuality to protect your safety, you have not failed at any level of living in your truth. Your safety is of paramount importance in any decision you make about coming out of the closet.

I would also stress that anger should never be part of one’s motivation for coming out of the closet. Love should be one’s only motivation. Do not let yourself fall into the trap of blurting out your true sexual identity while you and your parents are involved in a verbal argument about a totally different subject. Wait until cool heads prevail so that your important message can actually be heard by the people you want to hear it. It is also improper to use coming out of the closet as an emotional weapon. One should abandon any idea of coming out of the closet in order to get even with parents with whom he is angry whether that anger is justifiable or not. The optimal time for you to come out to your parents is when no one is angry with one another and when you know that each of you has ample time to sit calmly and listen intently to what the others have to say. Do not tell your parents you are gay an hour before they are expecting the entire neighborhood for a barbecue. Wait for an appropriate time, or ask your parents if you can schedule an appointment with them. When the appropriate time does come, let your parents know you are telling them you are gay because they are the ones who lovingly taught you to tell the truth, because you are committed to honoring what they have taught you, because you don’t ever want a secret to create an uncomfortable distance between you and them, and because you love them.

Finally, I gently suggest that you remember to respect the individuality of each of your parents. They are more than just parts of a monolithic "straight" community or parts of a married couple. They each have a unique story to tell; they each have issues they have conquered and issues with which they still struggle; they are each human and imperfect. Hopefully, what you are about to tell your parents will be easy for each of them to hear and process; but if it isn’t, don’t give up on either one of them too quickly. Be patient. Time heals many wounds and changes many minds.

Your question has been a blessing, and I thank you for it.

I wish you fair winds and following seas.