Before getting together with my now fiancé, we were very close friends. One night after talking about sexuality I asked him randomly if he had ever been with someone of the same sex. He had said yes, that he had one or two encounters. This afternoon I came across a Craigslist posting he sent a day before our one year anniversary looking for a "casual encounter" with a man. He received a response and they conversed for a couple days about pictures, a time and meet up place. A couple hours ago after finding this I took a long walk, cooled off with a big mug of tea and came home. Shaking and nervous, I knew what I wanted to do. I was going to end it. It took me down a long emotionally draining roller coaster and I am more than ever confused. I want to be done with the relationship and my intuition is screaming "you would be a fool to not" but there is that tiny bit of emotion that loves him and as ridiculous as it sounds I am doubting myself. What would you do?
Sean
Your question is a very serious one, with equally serious consequences. I need therefore to make it clear that I am responding as a man who has lived under similar circumstances to your fiancé, rather than as a trained or credentialed professional. The fact that your fiancé is comfortable enough with himself and with your relationship to answer your questions honestly is a huge plus. Men in general, whether gay or straight, tend to be a little more animalistic about sex. When I hear numbers such as 10 to 15% of the population being "Gay", I shake my head and laugh. The very idea that you can classify a whole range of thought and behavior into a single word is ridiculous. I didn't start having sex with men until I was 35 years old. Prior to that, I had a number of relationships with women, as well as a great number of pure sexual encounters with women. I was, by all conventional definitions "straight." My entire social sphere comprised "straight" people. You would be shocked at the number of "straight" guys who have some attractions towards other men and occasionally act on them. I truly believe that if women ruled out, as prospective husbands, all men who had occasional experiences with other guys, you'd be ruling out more than half of your prospects.
In my mind, the question isn't will your fiancé have attractions to other men, but will he despite his attractions to other men or women, be faithful in your marriage. Any man who is 100% straight and is sexual should pose the same concerns that you now have. Namely, "Will this man that I marry be faithful to me?"
Your fiancé has openly and honestly answered a very difficult question that a lot of guys would've flat out denied. Don't make any decisions without first talking this all out with him. If you have found someone you love and who loves you, then sit down with a professional counselor together and discuss your concerns and find out if he will be faithful to your marriage.
I can also tell you that I have known a lot of guys who occasionally hooked up with another guy, who ended up marrying a woman and having a great and happy monogamous relationship. As odd as this may sound, just because your fiancé may have hooked up with a guy or even be attracted to men in some form, doesn't make him gay. It just makes him a normal, sexual human being who is comfortable enough in his own skin to have experiences that brought him pleasure. But a monogamous relationship with one person is what will bring happiness.
Talk to your fiancé with an open mind. Good luck and please let us know how the conversation went.
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