I am a straight woman who believes that her guy is bi. Now yes, I have been upfront in my wondering and was told no, but with no emotion or concern that I even would asked this. I know that I should take that answer and accept it… He’s openly admitted to a few of his closest friends being gay… and there is this dedication to those few select male friends that surpasses any dedication I have ever encountered. He will go out of his way to please, and be there for them. When he has anything to give, the offer always stands in their favor….even when it comes to special dates on our calendar. I also found that after reading one of the answers posted on this site “Sexuality is not just sex acts. Sexuality is the emotional compass of one’s life” I remembered that I was quoted the exact same answer, but the word sexuality was changed to love. And yes, I agree..but understand that the question asked was “Are you attracted sexually to men?” and before that the answer I got was… “I love everyone and everything” Now, before I ask my question I want to state that I am completely accepting of him being bi, gay, straight… what ever… I just don’t care to be in a relationship if it is based on an initial lie. So… In your opinion is it wrong that a man(in this particular case)lie to his spouse(a woman) regarding his sexual orientation and his sexual activity elsewhere? Isn’t there a proper or standard etiquette regarding this? And shouldn’t I have been given the choice at the beginning to decide whether this was the kind of relationship I want? I know it would be easy to just answer with a “Well in this case there is more important things to consider… take trust on your part for instance” in all meaningful relationships there is complete honest and trust… and so on. I don’t care if I’m right or wrong… for the most part, as with any situation it is the deceit that hurts not who he may or may not be. I want him to have happiness… that’s what matters most and for myself as well and honestly I don’t want a relationship where I have to share.
Val
Yes, it is wrong for someone to enter into a relationship with another person under false pretense and concealing their true sexual identity. There is no viable explanation for the hurt caused to the unknowing partner. The same goes for infidelity. It's not just men that are guilty of this. Check out www.straightspouse.org to read what other men and women with similar experiences have written. The etiquette in the LGBTQ community is the same as that in the straight community: It is wrong to lie to your partner or to carry on living a double life. There are many reasons someone may try to explain why this happens, but it is wrong nonetheless. I've heard reasons ranging from "It's harder on men to come out." and "The pressure is strong growing up to be straight." No matter what the reason, nothing can justify the fact that another persons life has been destroyed. I've heard of spouses in marriages that had lasted over 30 years, find out that their spouse was gay and when they asked "how long have you known you were gay?" they were told "I always knew". People who thought they were going to live happily ever after, had their lives destroyed. It's wrong.
Justin
It is wrong for your husband to have adulterous affairs with anyone of either sex; it is wrong for your husband to lie about his sexual orientation; it is even wrong for your husband to conceal from you the inner turmoil he faces regarding his sexual orientation instead of communicating it to you. Like most marriages, yours is supposed to be based on monogamy, honesty, and communication; but your husband’s behavior fails to reflect an understanding of those crucial components of a happy marriage.
Your husband is primarily responsible for the devastating disintegration of your marriage, but you do need to become aware of how you also partly contributed to it. The role you have unfortunately, but quite understandably played in the debacle that is the marriage you have described for this site’s readership stems from the fact that women are unjustly acculturated in our society to accept themselves as being less powerful than men when nothing could be further from the truth. Women are just as much the children of God as men. As God’s child, you were made in His image and likeness; and you reflect all of His glorious qualities. Always remember that God is so powerful that he is omniscient. Therefore, you are powerful! When you finally claim your God-given power, you will realize key elements of a powerful woman. A powerful woman does not ignore, avoid, or accept flagrant misbehavior on the part of her husband. A powerful woman does not love her husband more than she loves herself because she understands that self-love is the greatest love of all and the cornerstone to all healthy relationships. A powerful woman does not put the happiness of her husband before her own happiness when her husband lies to her, fails to communicate with her about major issues affecting their marriage, breaks his sacred marital vows to her, and no longer enjoys spending time with her.
I applaud you for listening to your inner voice of intuition, which has alerted you to major cracks in the foundation of your marriage. Your intuition is how God speaks to you. You hear it in your heart, and you feel it in your gut. You should always abide by it. You properly did so when you sought the counsel of an objective party whom you trust. You might consider in-person sessions with a licensed therapist as your next step in surmounting the difficult challenges currently impinging upon your marriage, but it is completely up to you whether you follow that recommendation or not. I am confident that you are up to the task before you and that you will continue to allow your intuition to lead you in the right direction. You, after all, are woman. Now let me hear you . . . ROAR!
I wish you fair winds and following seas.
Leave a Comment