I just got married about 2 months ago. We are a very loving and affectionate couple. I love my husband to death and he’s the kind of man I feel lucky to have in all the aspects. However, there is just one thing that makes me confused that he is not that passionate when it comes to our sexual life. He kisses me on lips all the time but just on top of my lips, not a real kiss how couples do. I don’t understand why he hesitates to kiss me in a sensual way which is sexy and which really will turn me on. We are on a vacation or out on a get away or something I would just never get that kind of an intimate kiss. I lack that in our sexual life a lot. I don’t ask him about it. I don’t know how to ask him in a way he won’t feel offended. General Information about us: I am 27 and he is 36. He says he loves and and appreciates me a lot. However I miss that passionate and sensual side of him in our relationship. Also, I always caress him and kiss him I am just very affectionate towards him. However, he resists a lot, whenever I kiss him even on cheeks its fine when I kiss him on lips he resists I don’t know why. Once he said he can’t breathe. But I don’t know what it is. I just want him to understand how important it is for me. And how it’s hurting me inside that our sexual life is very hollow and lifeless and boring.
Justin
I am very sorry that you are experiencing painful anxiety so early in your marriage.
You have told us that you are married to a man who is kind, respectful, gentle, bright, well-read, attentive, articulate, and capable of maintaining a committed relationship. You can count amongst your many blessings a husband with a bounty of laudable qualities. Focus on his good qualities, and be grateful for them. Let him know how much you appreciate those qualities in him. Positive reinforcement and gratitude will go a long way in this circumstance.
The perfect man does not exist. The fact that your husband is not as demonstrative as you would like does not in any way lead me to immediately jump to the conclusion that he is a closeted homosexual. I lovingly urge you to reveal your concerns to your husband. Open communication is essential in marriage; do not suppress weighty concerns out of fear of offending your partner. Your husband is not a mindreader. He cannot know all of your needs and desires if you do not tell him. You must not allow yourself to secretly seethe in anger because of a concern you have failed to voice.
The disparity in your respective sex drives also causes me no immediate suspicion that your husband is gay or any such thing. Your husband is a 36-year-old male; he reached his sexual peak at 18. You are a 27-year-old female; you have yet to reach your sexual peak. You are biologically equipped to give birth, combat pain more effectively, and achieve multiple orgasms. Even if you were the exact same age, you would actuarially be destined to outlive him by more than half a decade by the virtue of your gender alone. You, my dear, are the stronger sex despite your husband's musculature and size.
What I do suspect is that you both put the cart before the horse in terms of your decision to marry. It is always advisable to be certain that you know WHO the person you are marrying is before you actually get married. It is misguided to rush into marriage and then find out WHO the person you have just married is. Even if a couple has not lived together before marriage, the same rule applies. Not having lived together before marriage may mean a couple has to learn HOW to actually live together; but by the time the marriage has taken place, each member of a couple ought to be fully certain as to WHO the other person is. I don't believe either one of you accomplished the essential task of knowing WHO the other person is before you got married. Your husband is in the dark as to what your needs are, and you seem surprised that he is not meeting them even though you have apparently never discussed them with him. By now you should be fully aware of the strengths and weaknesses held by the person who is your husband.
I suggest the two of you make an appointment with a licensed marriage counselor. You need help in learning communication and other vital inter-personal relationship skills including basic ones such as how to deal with disagreements fairly. It is possible that a marriage counselor will refer you to a sex therapist.
I'm rooting for you.
Best wishes.
Val
It can be a difficult topic to bring up with a partner or spouse. Please be assured your problem is not an isolated or unique case and I commend you on your search for help to build a stronger relationship, one in which you can feel that your partner will reciprocate your displays of affection.
I believe it is a common problem and although I am not a licensed therapist I hope I can give you some insight from my experience. By what you have written I no doubt believe that your husband is a wonderful man and you no doubt are lucky to have found one another. I wish you both many happy years together. If the dynamics of your relationship is such that you feel comfortable enough to talk to each other about issues like this, then you should talk to him. If he is the man that you describe, and I no doubt believe that he is, then I feel you must have a heart to heart with him. He will appreciate your concerns, take note of them, and hopefully make positive changes to alleviate them. Find a time and setting that is appropriate for you both to feel at ease and comfortable enough to speak from your hearts. You both should be at a place in the relationship where you can share your most intimate feelings and desires with one another, both verbally and physically. There is nothing more manly than that and the rewards on the marriage will compound exponentially.
Only he can tell you or a therapist why he feels that he can't breathe when you get close to him. Intimacy problems can range from simple carelessness or be as complicated as a lack of nurturing that he received as a child. Either way he needs to learn or relearn how to show affection to his partner, you. My guess is that he wants to as well, though he may not how to do this. I say show him and the relationship the respect to be able to tell him your feelings even though you may feel uncomfortable doing so. You both will grow and in the end if all else fails, he won't be able to say you didn't talk to him about it.
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