I am a closeted 21 year old who is in love with his best friend who is also gay and not out. I always knew that my friend was gay and this was confirmed through a personal ad. I opened up to him and encouraged him to feel comfortable talking about being gay with me. We have talked only a couple times about it (in the year since I came out to him) as it is very hard for us since we’ve never opened up to anyone about being gay. I constantly think about him and I could really see us living our lives together. At first I just thought it was an infatuation, that he was the only option since he was the only one I truly trusted and felt truly knew me. But now over a year later, still obsessing about him I know that it is far more than an infatuation. He hooks up with random people and doesn’t want any sort of relationship right now. I, too, don’t want an open relationship but I really want a secret relationship with him. All the while I don’t want to mess up our friendship. I’m pretty sure he has some sort of feelings for me as we talk daily yet are hours away from each other currently. I even once asked him if he’d want to mess around after a few beers and he denied me. I want him to know I’m in love with him because I really think we can be together. What should I do?
Justin
The crux of your issue is simple. It has to do with emotional availability.
Currently, you are fortunate to have a friendship with the young man occupying a great deal of your thoughts these days. The two of you have significant elements of life in common. You are both male; you are both gay; you are both still in the closet. It is easy to understand why you are able to comfortably relate to one another on a level of platonic friendship. Your friendship with him is a mutual one. You have not coerced him into being your friend. On the contrary, he has happily gone out of his way to make himself emotionally available to you as a friend.
You’re very fortunate, indeed. It’s nice to have someone in your life whom you consider to be a “best friend.” I’m pleased for you. You deserve everything good in life.
Friendships are based on honesty. Up to this point, you have both done an excellent job of being honest with one another. You have even come out of the closet to one another. Now that you realize your true feelings for him transcend friendship, you should continue to be perfectly honest.
During one of your upcoming daily phone conversations, let him know that you appreciate his friendship because it has always been based on honesty. In the spirit of honesty, proceed to tell him exactly what the truth is. The truth is that you now realize that you are in love with him and hope that your platonic friendship can be given the chance to develop into a romantic love.
You wrote that you want your friend to know that you are in love with him. The only way he will ever know that fact is if you communicate it to him in a forthright manner. As dreamy as I’m sure he is, your friend is not a mind reader. You must tell him what you are thinking and feeling. Communication is the key to the success of any relationship. Verbalize your truth to your friend now and always.
After you have told your friend the truth of what you are thinking and feeling, ask him if he feels the same way and if he is interested in developing a romantic relationship with you. You must not only listen carefully to what his response is, but you must hear it as well. If he is not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you, you must be prepared to honor the fact that he simply is not emotionally available to you on a romantic level. If you cannot abide by that decision without resenting or tormenting him, then you must amicably withdraw from your relationship with him and find someone who is emotionally available to you on a romantic level.
I hope you hear the response you want; but if you don’t, do not despair. Plenty of young men who are every bit as thrilling as this one is will make themselves emotionally available to you on a romantic level if you continue to be the honest young man you are.
I wish you fair winds and following seas.
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