So this question has some back story and is rather broad, so I apologize in advance for the mess that follows. I am unsure of my sexual identity at this point in my life and was looking for advice or opinions that are more complex than gay, straight, and bi. I am 25 and I have identified as straight for as long as I have been alive, though many of my actions have been less than straight. A lot of my confusion comes from my conflicting viewpoints on my sexuality. When I was younger before I had any experience with men or women I would masturbate to both straight and gay porn. Similarly, I would fantasize while masturbating to being with both men and women. However when it came to my romantic interests I was exclusively into women. I would frequently get crushes on girls and would never gain feelings for other males. I didn’t even lust after any guys, only girls. I still would have the urge to engage in same sex acts however, just not with anyone in particular. Since then I have been with several girls and I have had a handful of experiences with guys. To this very day I have yet to establish any emotional interest in my own sex and I still am not actively attracted in the sense of “oh that guy is hot”, I still frequently masturbate to the idea of having gay sex though. When I’m having sex with girls I will sometimes lose my erection for one reason or another. Sometimes I will imagine she has male anatomy and I will be right back in the game. This seems like a smoking gun, but I know I have also had trouble maintaining erections during gay sex as well where even the knowledge I was with another man was not enough to keep me hard. So as you can see this is a bit weird. I’ve done research and I think I may identify as a man who has sex with men, but I don’t really understand how that works entirely. Emotionally I am entirely heterosexual. Kissing even, which is one of the more emotional aspects of intimacy, is something I prefer not to do with men. However physically I love the idea of being with guys. So what should I identify with more?
Justin
"WE ARE SO ACCUSTOMED TO DISGUISE OURSELVES TO OTHERS THAT IN THE END WE BECOME DISGUISED TO OURSELVES." - FRANCOIS DE LA ROCHEFOUCAULD
The issue of one’s sexual orientation is not complex.
As you currently contemplate your sexual orientation, you should bear in mind the simple truth that you live on the planet Earth, not Mars. I cannot honestly or accurately tell you anything about the behavior of straight men on Mars; but here on Earth, straight men are sexually attracted only to women. The notion that all men have the capacity to be gay or bisexual is a fallacy, and anyone who tells you otherwise has either been watching too much gay porn or smoking crack. The truth is that straight men do not fantasize about other men, have sex with other men, or wish that their female partners were men. You, on the other hand, have continually engaged in those actions over the course of your lifetime. Consequently, one does not have to be a rocket scientist to determine that you do not meet the definition of a straight man.
You also do not meet the definition of a gay man. In reality, gay men are not sexually or romantically attracted to women. As a result of that truth, they do not continually fantasize about women, lust after women, date women, or have sex with women as you do.
You are a bisexual man because you have the capacity to sexually and emotionally love a person of either gender. I understand that one of your chief complaints is that you have never felt an emotional connection with any of your male partners; but that unfortunate experience stems only from the fact that as of this date, all of your homosexual encounters were in the form of soul-less, meaningless "McSex" with men you either didn't know or barely knew. None of the men involved played a significant role in your life. In our toxic culture, it is now considered antiquated to introduce yourself to a man before you have sex with him; but the current norm of having sex with a man before you have even shaken his hand or learned his last name has only left you embarrassingly flaccid on the outside and painfully empty on the inside because it is the sexual equivalence of putting the cart before the horse. At twenty-five, you are now old enough to reject what MTV, the Kardashians, and the real housewives of New Jersey have taught your generation and finally begin equating sex with love and reserving it only for truly significant people in your life, not mere acquaintances or strangers. Until you do so, an emotionally satisfying connection with a male partner will always elude you.
I wish you fair winds and following seas.
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