Hello! I have a lovely friend, a man that has been married for many years and has children with his spouse. I am a happily married female. We spend a lot of time working together, traveling for work, etc. In our sometimes intimate conversations about life experiences he relays to me that he is almost always mistaken, upon first meetings, to be homosexual. Although I would never label anyone in that way, I see what they see, and what he is aware of, as others we have met when in the same company have even asked me if he is homosexual. I would not tell him of these incidents as it would only concern him further. I guess my question is that in our conversations he, himself seems to be a bit confused about his sexuality. I would like to be the good friend that he knows me to be and be able to discuss this matter with him, intelligently and without offending him in any way. Should I bring it up, so we can have the dialogue I think he is longing for or just keep my mouth shut and wait for him to open the discussion? I am positive that he has no one else in his life to open up to about his thoughts and feelings. I would never betray his confidences and he knows that about me. Thanks for any insights.
Val
Since the topic of his sexuality has been brought up in previous conversations and he was comfortable enough to engage in dialogue with you, I see no problem with you bringing it up again. If he chooses to not open up further about himself then you probably wouldn't want to bring it up again.
Sean
You are clearly a very kind person and your motivation is laudable. If he has expressed something in your conversations that suggests he has questions about his own sexuality, then that is your invitation to let him know that you are somebody he can talk to about anything. In approaching him, I would not make his sexuality sound like such a huge deal, as that can scare somebody who might think that you would be making a value judgement. I would be as matter of fact about his sexuality as you can be. He knows that the issue is that people speculate about him, which is something he may need to talk about. I would say something like "You probably want to talk with somebody about how annoying people can be. Somebody who isn't going to ask you a bunch of ignorant questions or gossip. I don't care about your sexuality but I do care if you want somebody to talk to. I am that person. You can say anything to me because I am your friend and there are times when I have needed somebody to talk to about things and didn't know how to ask."
The whole point isn't really about his sexuality. It is about him feeling isolated and afraid to talk out loud. I hope this helps. Please email us back and let us know how things are going.
Justin
You are a good friend, and I commend you for that laudable trait. The gentleman in question is blessed to have in his life a person who is as thoughtful and giving as you are. You have done an admirable job of making yourself emotionally available to him, being an ear for him, maintaining the confidentiality of your conversations with him, and being authentically concerned for his happiness. You have done everything correctly. He has no better friend than you.
I am very impressed by your willingness to listen to your intuition. Your intuition is that small, inner voice that speaks to you; and when it does, you don’t just hear it. You feel it in your head, heart, and gut. Always abide by your intuition, for it is God speaking to you.
Your intuition is telling you that your friend is a closeted homosexual deeply enmeshed in a life that fails to reflect who he really is. People are not designed to carry secrets. Our souls are meant to live in the light of truth, which is why secrets are so unhealthy and difficult for us to keep. It is reflective of what a loving and highly evolved person you are that you understand the heavy pressure your friend must surely be feeling, that you can see that you are possibly his only emotional outlet, and that you sincerely desire to provide him a modicum of relief from his oppression by creating a comforting opportunity for him to speak the truth of who he really is to you.
Although I marvel at the generosity of your heart for wanting to do even more than you have already done to help your friend, you must bear in mind the true nature of your relationship with him. You are his married friend and co-worker, not his therapist, parent, spouse, sibling, or spiritual advisor. All healthy relationships have appropriate boundaries that should not be crossed. Because you are his married friend and co-worker, assuming the heavy responsibility of practically taking him by the hand and leading him from the proverbial closet would be an improper violation of your relationship’s boundaries. You have already done all that a married friend and co-worker should do. Through your words and actions, you have made it abundantly clear to him that you are capable of offering a deep, abiding friendship that is not conditioned on his being someone who he is not. Coming out of the closet is a daunting task for many gay men; but through your longtime, devoted, and non-judgmental friendship, you have already completely fulfilled your obligation to him by clearly establishing a remarkably safe and supportive environment into which he can first step when the time is right for him to experience the liberation that awaits him out of the closet. You cannot decide when that time has come for him. He must make that decision; and when he does, I know you’ll be there.
It is comforting to know that a closeted gay brother has the gift of your marvelous friendship.
I wish you fair winds and following seas.
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